Troops Coming Home

Washington-- President Bush yesterday said he was bringing the troops home...sort of.

Mr. Bush, who has asked to be referred to as “El PresidenteGrande'” from now on, said he was giving in to the pressures of the American people and bringing five troops home and redeploying some 500,000.

“O.K.! O.K.! The American people have spoken...and your El Presidente has heard your cries!” said Bush Wednesday. "I've ordered the gradual reduction in troop levels effective right away."

When pushed on just how many troops will be coming home Bush finally said “five”.

“We will begin bringing five lucky soldiers home every four weeks until all of our boys come home,” said Bush, to which the crowd responded with loud boos. “Before ya git your panties in a bunch let me finish, dag gum it! I'm also going to be sending our boys some entertainment this Christmas!” yelled El Presidente. “I will be sending 500,000 men what I like to call the entertainment core! That's right, 500,000 of my finest military entertainers...who also happen to be soldiers.”

When asked if this was just shuffling of numbers and words the President scratched his hind quarters, smelled his finger and remarked. “Huh?”

Airline Customer Service In Tailspin

A recent survey reports that passenger satisfaction has taken a dramatic nose dive in recent months.

"I asked for extra peanuts, and the attendant stabbed me with a fork! What the fuck is up with that?" asked perplexed passenger Pete Pillbottom. "He finally did give them to me, but not after putting all of them in his mouth, then spitting them back into the bag."

"Those attendants...very surly...I asked where the gate was, and she punched me in the head!" complained frequent flyer Fred Filtspot.

"Yeah, first they told me to take off my shoes, then they ran that beeper thing...then my pants, shirt...soon i was but naked!" said a former supermodel who chose to remain anonymous. "Are they REALLY supposed to check under your breasts for bombs?"

I asked one of the attendants for a pillow and she leaned over with a big smile, told me to fuck off, and spit in my face," complained Jack Korna.

Another passenger related a similar story.

"Well, I asked for a pillow and he took one from the elderly lady next to me and threw it on my lap. Next thing I know, I'm in a slap-fight with the attendant and a 93-year-old invalid!"

"And when they brought the tray around with the meals they just tossed them from the cart like we were monkeys begging for peanuts...then they all retired to the back to play strip poker," sobbed a clearly traumatized John Pelinger.

Some customers have complained of missing items.

"Well, I had to take a flight to Dallas with a stopover in Denver. When I got on the Denver plane I realized I was missing my nice pink sweater," says Doreen Winkler. "When I got on the Dallas flight there was one of the same attendants...WEARING MY PINK SWEATER! He totally acted like he never saw me before! Jerk!"

During News Time USA's undercover investigation into these reports of customer turbulence, the following shocking remarks were heard over an airplane intercom:

"Attention passengers, this is your pilot. Who wants to do a loop-de-loop? Huh? HUH? WHO WANTS TO DO A LOOP-DE-LOOP?"

"But seriously folks, did you know blindness affects over 2 million Americans a year? Ha ha...just kiddin' again!"

"Folks, this is your captain. The shaking you're feeling is not due to the weather conditions...we've just lost our right engine...GOTCHA!"

Roger Kumquat, who represents the airline industry, returned News Time USA's call requesting an interview and yelled, "You and all the other cocksucking media fucks can kiss my fucking ass, you dirty whores!" before abruptly hanging up.

Britney Spears Embarasses Self By Appearing Healthy, Non-Anorexic

Britney Spears' performance at the MTV VMA awards has become a hot topic in the entertainment world.

"Yeah, I saw Britney last night at the VMA's she was HUGE...like 120 pounds or something!" said Paris Hilton. "What a porker! I couldn't even see her ribs!"

We caught up with the Olsen twins in the bathroom toilet after chucking up their dinners. "Yeah, I'm really worried for her health. Being that big isn't good for you."

Britney is receiving plenty of diet advice from friends like Keira Knightley. "Well for breakfast she should eat half a piece of toast and some water. For lunch I have one Tic-Tac and half a peanut. For dinner...well, I usually just skip dinner."

In contrast, a News Time USA poll indicated that 98% of the men who responded said they would 'love to fuck the living shit out of her'. The other 2% were gay.

Bush Says New Album a Reminder of Danger

Australia-- President Bush said Obama Bin Laden's mention of the Iraq war in his new music album is a reminder of al-Quesadillas long-term
objectives in Austria.

The president was corrected several times,
reminded that it is "Osama", not "Obama", as well as "al-Qaeda" not
"al-Quesadillas" and the war is in Iraq...not Austria.

Despite being corrected, the president continued to ramble.

"Iraq is part of this war against contortionists. If al-Qwaida
bothers to mention the war in Africa (meaning Iraq) right now,
they want to achieve their objections which is to drive us out."

"The tape is a reminder about the dangerous universe in which we
live, and it's a reminder that we must work together to protect our people against the Martian invaders who murder the innocent in order to achieve their political objectivityness."

The President spoke during a photo opportunity. Onlookers where hard
pressed to figure out just what the hell the president was trying
to say. After the speech the president walked off stage in the
wrong direction and fell some 20 feet flat on his face. After
lying motionless for more than a minute, he sprang up and claimed
that "he meant to to that."

Jack B. Nimble reporting.

"Osama the Butcher" Strikes Again

CAIRO, Egypt-- Bin Laden is back. The terrorist has apparently recorded an album called "Osama Butchers American Hits." The Department of Homeland Security said Thursday that this was the single worst attack on American pop culture since Milli Vanilli. The new album has Bin Laden covering such songs as, "America" by Neil Diamond, "Sunshine on My Shoulders" by John Denver and "Start Me Up" by the Rolling Stones among 10 others.

Homeland Security Spokesman Russ Knocke said the album was available for download from iTunes.

"This man has done some sickening things...but this...this is an unspeakable act of terror!" said Knocke.

The album cover depicts Bin Laden on the cover holding a guitar, his beard died jet black.

"I'll never be able to listen to Cheryl Crow's "All I Want To Do Is Have Some Fun" ever again with out seeing that sick bastard! I can't get it out of my mind!" said Gordon Johndoe, a spokesman for the National Security Council at the White House.

The album also includes a few bonus tracks including covers of "The Muppet Show" and "Sesame Street" theme songs.

We asked Steve Jobs why iTunes was carrying the album he said, "Well, whataya gonna do?"

Study: Early Rising Bad For Heart

A recent Japanese government study has found that not only does early rising "suck", it can also have a negative impact on the heart.

"This early rising stuff is bullshit," said Miyoko Tagashi, an office drone in downtown Tokyo. "I'm tired all fucking day long. I need five cups of coffee just to make it through the morning without falling asleep with my head on my keyboard. This so-called ancient wisdom can kiss my ass!"

In light of the findings, Dr. Kanoti Sariku, a researcher with the Japanese Institute of Research, performed a study of 500 university students. "We found that our happiest students were the ones that got up around noon-ish and ate a slice of cold pizza from the fridge left over from last night's beer binge."

More disturbingly, however, the government study found that over 100 cases of hearts spontaneously exploding have been linked to getting up too early in the morning. Doctors recommend sleeping in as much as possible, calling in late to work when necessary.

"Look, you're not gonna get much out of your employees if their hearts are exploding left and right, so we recommend relaxing company late policies," said Hoshi Marashi, a government spokesperson.

Popcorn Fumes Dangerous, Addictive

The latest way among teens to get high? Smoking popcorn. Popular because it's legal, and leaves them smelling like fresh buttered popcorn. And who doesn't love the smell of fresh buttered popcorn?

Mary Jane Wigsworth, of the watchdog group Parents Against Popcorn said, "When asked by their parents where they've been all night, they say 'the movies', and the parents believe it. Little do they know that little Johnny has been in a popcorn den getting high as a kite. "

The discovery was made late last week when one teen, a non-smoker, was found to have contracted lung cancer. When surgeons opened his lungs they smelled like a movie theater.

"Well it all started one night after I popped a bag of Orville Redenbacher's. I breathed in the fumes and I was hooked. I got my friends to try it and all of a sudden we were loading it into bongs, pipes, joints...whatever. Some guys even snort it."

Blaine Watson loved popcorn so much he ate it for every meal for 10 years, often covering the bag and himslef with a blanket just to inhale the popcorn fumes.

"I'd stuff my pillows with old popcorn and sleep on it...stuff it in my pants, rub it in my hair...I just can't get enough microwave popcorn! When the doctors told me I had popcorn lung I was devastated. Then I said...wait...what the hell is popcorn lung? The doctors explained it to me as I munched on some movie theater style popcorn I scammed from the hospital vending machine."

He realized he was hooked. "It wasn't just the smell....I was actually getting high on the fumes."

"Some nights it's all I can think about...I crave it...want to make love to it...want to BE IT! It's like...crack," Mr. Watson stammered, shoving handfuls of popcorn into his already full mouth.

Soon, his son Billy picked up the habit from a group of teens pushing bags of Movie Time popcorn on the corner.

Mr. Watson knew his son was in trouble when he found him in his room passed out face down in a bowl of Jiffy Pop. "But i thought nothing of it...until he put on the cape and tried to fly like Superman off our roof. While he was in the hospital, I searched his room and found his stash...Jiffy Pop with...extra butter flavoring," he sobbed.

The FDA says it is currently investigating the matter and will consider putting warning labels on all bags of microwave popcorn.