Scientists Decode Most of Cat's DNA

Scientists have now decoded almost all of the DNA of the common feline, and have found an alarming lust for murder.

Your cat could be a ticking time bomb just waiting to slash your throat as you sleep," says Dr. Jake T. Powder of the Institute for Useless Studies. "Or cut open your eyes...even tear them out of their sockets. Slice open your gut and disembowel you...chew up your testicles. They really are quite intelligent and incredibly devious."

However scientists are still baffled at why the typical 'Mr. Whiskers' will shit in the litter box 98% of the time, yet leave the occassional 'Tootsie Roll' behind the couch.

"We think it may be a sign to other felines in the domicile," continued Dr. Powder. "It's as if to say: Hey, you, stay away. This is my human. Go find another two-legged meatsack to mutilate."

We contacted several area cats, none of whom agreed to comment on this story.