NASA Investigates Claims of Alchohol Abuse

A NASA investigation has uncovered several incidents of heavy alcohol use by astronauts before and during shuttle launches. In fact, alcohol use is common in crew quarters.

"I'd like to see anyone else in my position-- with a gigantic, highly explosive rocket strapped to their ass-- NOT feel the need for a stiff drink or two...or six," remarked astronaut James Planderson. "If a malfunction occurs and our ship blows up, hell, I wanna go out enjoying a massive whiskey buzz!"

Fellow astronaut Susan Pylonic, taking deep swigs of an unidentified liquid from a silver flask agrees.

"Ol' Jimbo is tellin' it like it is," slurred the staggering astronaut. "I'm slated to go up in two days. Am I nervous? Hell, yes! Does the happy juice kill the pain? You bet," she continued, cradling her flask like an infant as a tear streamed down her reddened cheek.

NASA doesn't consider the recent incidents alarming.

"Hell, John Glenn did 13 shots of tequila while he was orbiting the Earth," says NASA flight analyst Steven "Goober" Larcher. "Flight control dared him to do one more, but the poor bastard finally lost it and puked his guts out! It took us weeks to clean out the capsule!"

NASA scientists are currently developing a special vacuum-packed Jell-o shot, dozens of which will be available in each astronauts meal rations on all future shuttle flights.

Mustache Epidemic Reaching Epic Proportions in India

Mubia, India-- Ask any 12-year-old what he or she wants for their birthday this year. You might be surprised to learn he doesn't want the latest game system or fancy new gadget. He wants a mustache.

Children are undergoing dangerous cosmetic surgery in order to sport thick handle bar mustaches like their Bollywood film hero Rajini, while some are gluing various types of hair or fur to their upper lip using epoxy or Super Glue.

"It is very disturbing to see your nine-year-old daughter come home with an upper lip full of hair! I tried to tell her that women do not have facial hair, but I'm afraid she is unreachable," remarked one concerned parent.

Bollywood phenomenon Rajini

Entire shops have opened up on the streets of Mubia selling fake mustaches and huge sunglasses.

"Prices vary depending on what you are looking for. The cheapest we have is grease paint for 25 cents..all the way up to surgery, which we can perform in shop within a few hours. I think the children look quite handsome. I don't understand all the uproar," said store owner Raj Smith.

We asked American visitor Max Griffin what he thought.

"What the hell was going on here? Is there some kind of Groucho Marx festival going on? It's all a bit disturbing. Some of these kids look like mini 70's-style Burt Reynolds," remarked Griffin.

Eight-year-old Felix Skitit said he got his mustache late Wednesday night. "Yeah, it is sooo cool. it itches a bit, but I have the biggest one in the class! My parents are so angry, but mine is not permanent like most of my friends. The glue will wear off before my 12th birthday"

Ice Cream Stick Ship Sets Sail

A ship constructed of 5 million ice cream sticks glued together by more than 5000 schoolchildren over the course of two years set sail this past Tuesday. The ship drifted into the shark-infested harbor with 35 brave children aboard before slowly disintegrating and stranding the pint-sized sailors for several hours. At least one child was devoured by a Great White shark when he panicked and attempted to dog-paddle back to shore.

"I knew we should of used something other than Elmer's glue", griped Freddy "Fatty" Turnbuckle. "But these idiots wouldn't listen to me! I told them the Elmer's glue would come apart as soon as it touched the water! But did they listen? NOOOOO! Two years of my childhood wasted!

The children had originally planned to sail to England and back but instead sailed a whopping 500 feet into the harbor before tragedy struck.

Radcliffe Turns 18, Gains Access To Millions, Goes Apeshit Crazy

Daniel Radcliffe, star of the popular "Harry Potter" movies, gains access to millions as he turns 18 years old.

The young star recently spent 19 million dollars on one bottle of rare wine, and has only $1 million left.

Radcliffe says he will spend the other million on getting laid.

"After that, who knows??? I'll go wherever the wind blows me," slurred a visibly drunk and disoriented Radcliffe.

"As long as that chick keeps writing these Potter books, I'll be rollin' in dough. I don't have much to worry about for at least two years."

"For the longest time my parents wouldn't let me touch the money...not even for an Xbox 360 or Nintendo wii..so you know I did as soon as I got my hands on the money? YEAH, BOUGHT NEW PARENTS! Jan and Dean, my new mom and dad, are great. They let me do whatever the hell I want!"

Radcliffe then stumbled off into a crowd of party goers with what appeared to be a Playboy bunny clinging to each arm.

Pet Rattlesnake Saves Toddler

West Cayville, PA-- A toddler was saved from a wild pack of chihuahuas today by the heroic efforts of a pet rattlesnake.

The rabid chihuahuas surrounded the child and were readying their attack when the family's pet rattlesnake "Mr. Fangs" sprang into action.

It then wrapped itself around the child to comfort it, using its rattle to entertain the toddler until help arrived.

"We normally don't leave Baby Dinkums unattended in the swimming pool for more than five or 10 minutes. I went inside to grab a bite to eat. When I came back I found Mr. Fangs cuddling Baby Dinkums surround by six dead wild chihuahuas," said the child's father.

Neighbors say this particular pack of chihuahuas has been terrorizing the neighborhood for months now, scaring neighborhood children and defecating on nicely manicured lawns.

"Spike, our 12 month old pit bull has been terrified to go outside since a September attack left him earless and blind in one eye," commented one neighborhood resident.

Area residents are advised to remain indoors until the remainder of the ravenous Chihuahua pack can be rounded up and burned.

Man Makes Thousands Selling Rare Items to Friend Who Has Yet to Discover eBay

Pullman, Arkansas

"It's been great so far! I've even been able to quit my job and build an edition on to the house!" said Steve Planters former automobile salesman turned entrepreneur.

"I figure, what he doesn't know won't hurt him. I'm providing a valuable service..think of me as the middle man..the broker if you will. I'm bleeding that idiot dry!"


Planters says the process is incredibly simple and that anybody can get started making thousands using only a computer and gullible friend. “Bob came to me last week wanting this "rare" Fisher Price projector he had as a child. I said, well how much are you willing to pay for it? I might have some connections you know?"

Bob said, "Oh as much as two or three grand. Five minutes later I had one on its way from an eBay seller for two dollars. Two days later I bought my wife a new diamond ring!”


“As far as Bob Bunkiss knows, I'm what you call a scrounger, a guy who can get things, a guy who has lots of connections. The only thing I couldn't help him find was a computer so he can get on the internet. I seem to come up short every time!” chuckles Planters.


Bob Bunkiss, a former hobo and handyman, sued NASA in 1995 for millions of dollars claiming they stole his plans for a new kind of baked beans in a pouch, was unable to be reached for comment.

David Beckham's USA Debut

Contrary to the opinions of critics who say that David Beckham is past his prime, Beckham lived up to all the hype surrounding his move to the USA's Los Angeles Galaxy by scoring 27 times in five minutes during the team's exhibition match on Saturday.

His stellar performance immediately led to questions as to whether the soccer star is relying on performance-enhancing drugs to boost his performance during the last years of his career.

Beckham, who is totally bald, benches 350 pounds, and whose shoe size has increased from 11 to 14 says, "This talk of steroid use is completely and utterly unfounded. It's also very insulting. I train hard, like two or three times a week..something like that..I WISH YOU GUYS WOULD JUST GET OFF MY BACK!!!"

He then excused himself and ducked into a bathroom in order to "inject himself in the arse with sweet, sweet 'vitamin' goodness," slapping a reporter across the room along the way.

Beckham's trainer attributes his large size and violent mood swings to the amount of protein he is ingesting. "He eats like four to five live chickens a day, plus three to four protein shakes. Let's just say when he goes into the bathroom we know he's gonna squeeze out a clogger!"

Galaxy president Alexi Lalas said, "These allegations are ridiculous. Sure, he's transformed himself into a raging, hideous, hulking musclebound mass that now frightens small children instead of inspiring them to greatness. But David trains hard, and absolutely does NOT use any performance-enhancing chemicals."

Lalas then excused himself and ducked into the bathroom to see if "David needs any help injecting those 'vitamins' into his ass."