NASA Investigates Claims of Alchohol Abuse

A NASA investigation has uncovered several incidents of heavy alcohol use by astronauts before and during shuttle launches. In fact, alcohol use is common in crew quarters.

"I'd like to see anyone else in my position-- with a gigantic, highly explosive rocket strapped to their ass-- NOT feel the need for a stiff drink or two...or six," remarked astronaut James Planderson. "If a malfunction occurs and our ship blows up, hell, I wanna go out enjoying a massive whiskey buzz!"

Fellow astronaut Susan Pylonic, taking deep swigs of an unidentified liquid from a silver flask agrees.

"Ol' Jimbo is tellin' it like it is," slurred the staggering astronaut. "I'm slated to go up in two days. Am I nervous? Hell, yes! Does the happy juice kill the pain? You bet," she continued, cradling her flask like an infant as a tear streamed down her reddened cheek.

NASA doesn't consider the recent incidents alarming.

"Hell, John Glenn did 13 shots of tequila while he was orbiting the Earth," says NASA flight analyst Steven "Goober" Larcher. "Flight control dared him to do one more, but the poor bastard finally lost it and puked his guts out! It took us weeks to clean out the capsule!"

NASA scientists are currently developing a special vacuum-packed Jell-o shot, dozens of which will be available in each astronauts meal rations on all future shuttle flights.