Clinton Says All Enemies of Her Regime Would Be Nuked

After criticizing presidential hopeful Barack Obama's statement about the use of nuclear weapons against terrorist targets, fellow Democratic candidate Hillary Clinton held a press conference to further clarify her views on using nuclear force.

"Look, we're not living in some fucking fairy tale where everyone is dancing around in tights and singing the joys of living in the magical forest," she stated. "We're living a goddamn national nightmare in which terrorists lurk around every corner. In the war against terror, my policy would be 'nuke first, ask questions later'."

When asked how she would handle the diplomacy issues involved in launching a nuclear attack in a foreign country, she replied, "Diplomacy? Diplomacy? It's much too late for diplomacy. In the new Clinton Era, you either play ball or get crushed. Simple as that. I'll steamroll over any candy-ass who gets in my way. If you are against me, you're against the U.S. And if you're against the U.S., you're gonna swallow a big fat nuclear bomb, bitches!"

Mrs. Clinton then pulled out a baseball bat and swung it wildly at the podium, quickly reducing it to splinters before leaving the stage, her husband following meekly behind.

Al Qaeda in Iraq Leader Killed

A top member of al Qaeda in Iraq was killed Wednesday by Iraqi soldiers in Mosul.

Initially, the U.S. Marines took credit for the killing of the al Qaeda in Iraq leader, but later admitted that they just happened across his corpse.

"He had been stabbed, beaten, shot, and strangled to death. His lifeless body was then hung from a tree in a town square as a warning," said Lt. George Carpal. "Shit, all we need to do is let these Iraqis kill each other off. Then when all the violence ends, we can get down to the REAL mission...raping Iraq of its oil and other natural resources. And raping its women and donkeys."

He then drove off into the distance in his gold-plated Humvee, smoking a giant cigar and laughing heartily, running over a starving child lying in the street.

Mayor Declares Potholes Public Landmarks

San Jose Mayor Chuck Reed has declared that 34 of the city's pothole will be designated public landmarks.

The mayor stressed how important it was to maintain the city's heritage.

"These potholes have been with this city for as long as I can remember. It's important to preserve them for future generations to enjoy."

When asked if this was just a ploy to avoid the responsibility of repairing them he angrily remarked, "I'll bet you'd want to restore the Alamo too? Huh?!"

Sam Siminson said teary-eyed, "I swerve around this pothole every day! Sometimes I forget and spill steaming hot coffee all over my crotch..I don't know what I'd do if it was gone."

Pengiun Attacks on the Rise in Nation's Zoos, Harbors

A recent government report indicates that penguin attacks in the U.S. are increasing at a rapid pace. The report comes on the heels of a fatal attack at the Peoria Zoo in Peoria, IL.

A handler who was spraying the birds down with a chemical used to keep the penguins calm and docile, slipped and fell. He was unable to get up due to a sprained ankle, and an angry penguin battered the man to death with it flightless wings, whipping them back and forth in a brutal attack. Bystanders said the loud slapping sounds were disturbingly gruesome.

"All I saw was a blur of penguin wings, and blood spurting out of that poor man's head," sobbed Regina Wilkinson of Chicago. "You could smell salt water and blood in the air!"

Ron Pilfergert of Springfield, IL said, "The dull, rapid slaps of penguin wings against human flesh is a sound I don't ever want to hear again." His eyes then glazed over as he whispered, "The horror....THE HORROR!"

In the wake of the incident, Monterey Bay Aquarium handler/intern Joseph Birmbaum gave a chilling description of his penguin experiences.

"Oh they look cute and cuddly. But I can feel their eyes watching me as I enter the room..watching...always watching. God forbid you get what we call the Death Stare...then you know its about to attack and you need to get the hell out of there! They just lock on to you...then they slowly begin to waddle in your direction..finally they dart like a bullet at full force, sliding on their bellies, usually impaling you though the shin or big toe. Then when you're down, the real horror begins. They just stand there perfectly still, their fishy breath against your face. At that point the only thing you can do is pray for a quick death."

Some facilities are stepping up safety measures to ensure their workers' well-being while tending to the vicious birds.

"We've installed a large crane at the top of the penguins' pen to rescue victims. It was expensive, but it saves lives."

Ironically, three construction workers died during the construction of the crane.

"We haven't found the bodies yet.They fell into the penguin pit and just disappeared into a sea of black and white frenzy. No bones..no clothes..nothing."

"Horrible little devils they are!" said "Pegleg Paul, who works on the nearby docks. "They be known to bring down a ship and sink a crew in a matter of minutes! I thank the Lord above they can't fly. Then we'd REALLY be up shit creek."

"I've come up against sharks 50 feet in length..whales that almost swallowed me ship...but penguins...PENGUINS BE MY MORTAL ENEMY!! LOOK AT ME LEG!! JUST LOOK AT IT!!"

All handlers at the Peoria Zoo are now equipped with cattle prods and mace. There is even talk of chainmail. As an extra precaution, the vicious penguin "herd" is lured into a small room using a mannequin where they are gassed to sleep before feedings.

Bully Runs for Class President, Wins 100% of Votes

Billy Jenkins says he credits his win to hard work and perseverance, and says the "ruthless pummeling of fellow classmates and opponents during the election campaign was just an amazing coincidence."

"Yep, I won fair and square..and if anybody says different, I'd like to see 'em say it to my face! This school loves me for Christ's sake! They shower me with attention and money," he said as he pushed a 4th grader into a locker and laughed heartily.

"I've vowed to put a stop to bullies in the school!"

When told that he was pretty much the ONLY school bully, Jenkins said, "Exactly! And there won't be any more bullying as long as the students keep me as class president and pay my way to college. I'm no genius, but that seems like a win-win situation to me."


Jenkins also said that as class president he promises to put an end to wedgies, toilet head dunking, black eyes and gum in girls' hair.

"However, I still expect all your lunch money before 11am each day to help finance my reelection campaign," he said in his inaugural speech. "Thank you for voting for me, and have a wonderful day!"

The principal nervously agreed to uphold the boy's controversial win.

"That's one tough son-of-a-bitch right there. I wouldn't fuck with him, no sir."

In a related story, school "super geek" Elroy Snarf is expected to be released from the hospital in another 8 weeks.

Cheney Receives Extra Hearts As "Backups"

Vice-President Dick Cheney underwent surgery yesterday to replace the battery that powers the device that monitors his heart and produces a shock if an irregular heart rhythm is detected. As a precaution, surgeons also implanted two more of the devices, three pacemakers, and two baboon hearts.

Surgeon Phil Leggter said, "That's about the limit of what we could cram into Cheney's chest cavity. Now, with all these backup systems in place, Mr. Cheney shouldn't experience any heart failure ever again."

Cheney appeared in good health and high spirits as he addressed reporters after the procedure, although he seemed slightly dazed at one point.

"Ooh...wow, that feels weird," said Mr. Cheney. "Having all these damn heartbeats is going to take some getting used to. It's like there's a party in my chest and everyone's invited!"

Cheney then ran 20 laps around the hospital parking lot to demonstrate the success of the procedure.