Troops Coming Home

Washington-- President Bush yesterday said he was bringing the troops home...sort of.

Mr. Bush, who has asked to be referred to as “El PresidenteGrande'” from now on, said he was giving in to the pressures of the American people and bringing five troops home and redeploying some 500,000.

“O.K.! O.K.! The American people have spoken...and your El Presidente has heard your cries!” said Bush Wednesday. "I've ordered the gradual reduction in troop levels effective right away."

When pushed on just how many troops will be coming home Bush finally said “five”.

“We will begin bringing five lucky soldiers home every four weeks until all of our boys come home,” said Bush, to which the crowd responded with loud boos. “Before ya git your panties in a bunch let me finish, dag gum it! I'm also going to be sending our boys some entertainment this Christmas!” yelled El Presidente. “I will be sending 500,000 men what I like to call the entertainment core! That's right, 500,000 of my finest military entertainers...who also happen to be soldiers.”

When asked if this was just shuffling of numbers and words the President scratched his hind quarters, smelled his finger and remarked. “Huh?”

Airline Customer Service In Tailspin

A recent survey reports that passenger satisfaction has taken a dramatic nose dive in recent months.

"I asked for extra peanuts, and the attendant stabbed me with a fork! What the fuck is up with that?" asked perplexed passenger Pete Pillbottom. "He finally did give them to me, but not after putting all of them in his mouth, then spitting them back into the bag."

"Those attendants...very surly...I asked where the gate was, and she punched me in the head!" complained frequent flyer Fred Filtspot.

"Yeah, first they told me to take off my shoes, then they ran that beeper thing...then my pants, shirt...soon i was but naked!" said a former supermodel who chose to remain anonymous. "Are they REALLY supposed to check under your breasts for bombs?"

I asked one of the attendants for a pillow and she leaned over with a big smile, told me to fuck off, and spit in my face," complained Jack Korna.

Another passenger related a similar story.

"Well, I asked for a pillow and he took one from the elderly lady next to me and threw it on my lap. Next thing I know, I'm in a slap-fight with the attendant and a 93-year-old invalid!"

"And when they brought the tray around with the meals they just tossed them from the cart like we were monkeys begging for peanuts...then they all retired to the back to play strip poker," sobbed a clearly traumatized John Pelinger.

Some customers have complained of missing items.

"Well, I had to take a flight to Dallas with a stopover in Denver. When I got on the Denver plane I realized I was missing my nice pink sweater," says Doreen Winkler. "When I got on the Dallas flight there was one of the same attendants...WEARING MY PINK SWEATER! He totally acted like he never saw me before! Jerk!"

During News Time USA's undercover investigation into these reports of customer turbulence, the following shocking remarks were heard over an airplane intercom:

"Attention passengers, this is your pilot. Who wants to do a loop-de-loop? Huh? HUH? WHO WANTS TO DO A LOOP-DE-LOOP?"

"But seriously folks, did you know blindness affects over 2 million Americans a year? Ha ha...just kiddin' again!"

"Folks, this is your captain. The shaking you're feeling is not due to the weather conditions...we've just lost our right engine...GOTCHA!"

Roger Kumquat, who represents the airline industry, returned News Time USA's call requesting an interview and yelled, "You and all the other cocksucking media fucks can kiss my fucking ass, you dirty whores!" before abruptly hanging up.

Britney Spears Embarasses Self By Appearing Healthy, Non-Anorexic

Britney Spears' performance at the MTV VMA awards has become a hot topic in the entertainment world.

"Yeah, I saw Britney last night at the VMA's she was HUGE...like 120 pounds or something!" said Paris Hilton. "What a porker! I couldn't even see her ribs!"

We caught up with the Olsen twins in the bathroom toilet after chucking up their dinners. "Yeah, I'm really worried for her health. Being that big isn't good for you."

Britney is receiving plenty of diet advice from friends like Keira Knightley. "Well for breakfast she should eat half a piece of toast and some water. For lunch I have one Tic-Tac and half a peanut. For dinner...well, I usually just skip dinner."

In contrast, a News Time USA poll indicated that 98% of the men who responded said they would 'love to fuck the living shit out of her'. The other 2% were gay.

Bush Says New Album a Reminder of Danger

Australia-- President Bush said Obama Bin Laden's mention of the Iraq war in his new music album is a reminder of al-Quesadillas long-term
objectives in Austria.

The president was corrected several times,
reminded that it is "Osama", not "Obama", as well as "al-Qaeda" not
"al-Quesadillas" and the war is in Iraq...not Austria.

Despite being corrected, the president continued to ramble.

"Iraq is part of this war against contortionists. If al-Qwaida
bothers to mention the war in Africa (meaning Iraq) right now,
they want to achieve their objections which is to drive us out."

"The tape is a reminder about the dangerous universe in which we
live, and it's a reminder that we must work together to protect our people against the Martian invaders who murder the innocent in order to achieve their political objectivityness."

The President spoke during a photo opportunity. Onlookers where hard
pressed to figure out just what the hell the president was trying
to say. After the speech the president walked off stage in the
wrong direction and fell some 20 feet flat on his face. After
lying motionless for more than a minute, he sprang up and claimed
that "he meant to to that."

Jack B. Nimble reporting.