Adult Psychedelic Drug OK'd For Kids

The FDA has recently approved the use of psychedelic drugs by children.

The new drug comes in a tie-dyed style bottle and a free Greatful Dead CD.

"We felt it was time to introduce a new generation to psychedelia, bongs, free love, sit-ins, paranoia and free love. Wait...did I say 'free love' twice? Wow, man, I'm fried!" commented Dr. Hash Stevens of the FDA.

"We test all kinds of good shit here at the FDA man..and this one is definitely approved. APPROVED FOR PARTY TIME, MAN!"

The makers recommend adding a drop or two of the substance to babies' bottles to get them used to the experience. The hope is that if they are slowly introduced to it, they will see visions of unicorns and rainbows rather than alligators, demons, and giant mutant spiders which would "ruin the trip, man".

"Back in the 60's there was no ADD or crap like that man, and the FDA, through experimentation, has found it's the lack of psychedelic drugs and love that makes kids all nutso these days," said Stevens.

"That and TV. TV is fuckin' evil, man! I used to just spend hours staring at my black light posters for amusment. 300-something channels hurts my head dude! Besides, I have 1000 worlds inside my mind, man! Why would I need TV?"

The new Drug will be market by Phizer under the brand name "Li'l Johnny Trippin'", and is expected to retail for $39.95 a bottle.

It will also be available for five proofs of purchase from Cap'n Crunch boxes plus $2.50 postage and handling.

Please allow six months to two years for delivery.

Kung Fu Monks Beaten Up By Mr. Bonkers the Ninja

Beijing--

China's Shaolin Temple, home of the world's finest Chinese Kung Fu and recalled toys has demanded an apology from an unknown Internet user by the name of “Shinobi1991” who said its monks had once been beaten silly by a Japanese Ninja named Mr. Bonkers.

When reminded that in many countries free speech allows for such comments, and that the user is probably a 12 year old pimple-faced punk, the monks punched this reporter in the mouth and remarked, "Put THAT in your free speech blog!"

"We could give a rat's ass about free speech! This is China, baby! Anybody who thinks they can talk trash about the Shaolin Monks is gonna get a foot up his ass! 'Cause that's just how we roll in da ST, yo!"

Suddenly from a giant cloud of swirling pink smoke appeared a purple Ninja calling himself “Mr. Bonkers” who proceeded to kick the ever lovin' crap out of the 12 Shaolin Monks giving the interview.

Shinobi1991 could not be reached for comment.

Idaho Senator Fond of Man Meat?

It is being reported that Idaho Senator Larry Craig pleaded guilty to a misdemeanor charge in connection with a complaint concerning his alleged "lewd conduct" in a men's restroom in a Minneapolis airport.

Mr. Craig says the rumors now swirling around him are completely false. "I am not a pole smoker, and have never been a pole smoker," said the senator in a press conference. "I am not, nor have I ever been a cock grabber, ball sniffer, or packer of fudge!" he screamed defiantly at the crowd that gathered to witness his histrionics.

"The only thing I am guilty of is beating my wife, laundering thousands of dollars of campaign contributions, and huffing on a pipe full of meth now and again. But I have never, I repeat never fondled a man's scrotum or taken it up the rear!"

He then ended the press conference abruptly, yelled "Buy Idaho" repeatedly at the top of his lungs, and threw dozens of enormous Russet potatoes at the crowd, knocking one onlooker unconscious when a potato ricocheted of his forehead.

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