"Osama the Butcher" Strikes Again

CAIRO, Egypt-- Bin Laden is back. The terrorist has apparently recorded an album called "Osama Butchers American Hits." The Department of Homeland Security said Thursday that this was the single worst attack on American pop culture since Milli Vanilli. The new album has Bin Laden covering such songs as, "America" by Neil Diamond, "Sunshine on My Shoulders" by John Denver and "Start Me Up" by the Rolling Stones among 10 others.

Homeland Security Spokesman Russ Knocke said the album was available for download from iTunes.

"This man has done some sickening things...but this...this is an unspeakable act of terror!" said Knocke.

The album cover depicts Bin Laden on the cover holding a guitar, his beard died jet black.

"I'll never be able to listen to Cheryl Crow's "All I Want To Do Is Have Some Fun" ever again with out seeing that sick bastard! I can't get it out of my mind!" said Gordon Johndoe, a spokesman for the National Security Council at the White House.

The album also includes a few bonus tracks including covers of "The Muppet Show" and "Sesame Street" theme songs.

We asked Steve Jobs why iTunes was carrying the album he said, "Well, whataya gonna do?"

Study: Early Rising Bad For Heart

A recent Japanese government study has found that not only does early rising "suck", it can also have a negative impact on the heart.

"This early rising stuff is bullshit," said Miyoko Tagashi, an office drone in downtown Tokyo. "I'm tired all fucking day long. I need five cups of coffee just to make it through the morning without falling asleep with my head on my keyboard. This so-called ancient wisdom can kiss my ass!"

In light of the findings, Dr. Kanoti Sariku, a researcher with the Japanese Institute of Research, performed a study of 500 university students. "We found that our happiest students were the ones that got up around noon-ish and ate a slice of cold pizza from the fridge left over from last night's beer binge."

More disturbingly, however, the government study found that over 100 cases of hearts spontaneously exploding have been linked to getting up too early in the morning. Doctors recommend sleeping in as much as possible, calling in late to work when necessary.

"Look, you're not gonna get much out of your employees if their hearts are exploding left and right, so we recommend relaxing company late policies," said Hoshi Marashi, a government spokesperson.

Popcorn Fumes Dangerous, Addictive

The latest way among teens to get high? Smoking popcorn. Popular because it's legal, and leaves them smelling like fresh buttered popcorn. And who doesn't love the smell of fresh buttered popcorn?

Mary Jane Wigsworth, of the watchdog group Parents Against Popcorn said, "When asked by their parents where they've been all night, they say 'the movies', and the parents believe it. Little do they know that little Johnny has been in a popcorn den getting high as a kite. "

The discovery was made late last week when one teen, a non-smoker, was found to have contracted lung cancer. When surgeons opened his lungs they smelled like a movie theater.

"Well it all started one night after I popped a bag of Orville Redenbacher's. I breathed in the fumes and I was hooked. I got my friends to try it and all of a sudden we were loading it into bongs, pipes, joints...whatever. Some guys even snort it."

Blaine Watson loved popcorn so much he ate it for every meal for 10 years, often covering the bag and himslef with a blanket just to inhale the popcorn fumes.

"I'd stuff my pillows with old popcorn and sleep on it...stuff it in my pants, rub it in my hair...I just can't get enough microwave popcorn! When the doctors told me I had popcorn lung I was devastated. Then I said...wait...what the hell is popcorn lung? The doctors explained it to me as I munched on some movie theater style popcorn I scammed from the hospital vending machine."

He realized he was hooked. "It wasn't just the smell....I was actually getting high on the fumes."

"Some nights it's all I can think about...I crave it...want to make love to it...want to BE IT! It's like...crack," Mr. Watson stammered, shoving handfuls of popcorn into his already full mouth.

Soon, his son Billy picked up the habit from a group of teens pushing bags of Movie Time popcorn on the corner.

Mr. Watson knew his son was in trouble when he found him in his room passed out face down in a bowl of Jiffy Pop. "But i thought nothing of it...until he put on the cape and tried to fly like Superman off our roof. While he was in the hospital, I searched his room and found his stash...Jiffy Pop with...extra butter flavoring," he sobbed.

The FDA says it is currently investigating the matter and will consider putting warning labels on all bags of microwave popcorn.

Suckers Who Bought iPhones Out 200 Bucks

This week Apple announced that it is cutting the price of its iPhone by 200 dollars. The price reduction was too much too soon, some bitched.

Steve Jobs laughed, “What a bunch of bufoons! 500 bucks for a phone? I just wanted to see how many hard core Apple retards were out there, and apparently it's raining morons! Thanks, suckers!” Jobs said as he lit a cigar with a 100 dollar bill.

“Oh, by the way, next week we will be releasing the 900 dollar iPod..better get in line now!” Jobs said, barely able to retain his composure.

Ned Needlejerk of New Jersey said he was furious. “I waited outside the Apple store for a month! Ate beans and grasshoppers every night to survive, as well as braved torrential rains just to buy this plastic piece of shit! How could Apple do this to me? This cheap paperweight depreciated faster than my Ford Focus!”

When asked if he was going to buy one of the newer 900 dollar iPods Needlejerk said, “Hell yeah! I'll be getting in line tomorrow night! What are the odds of something like this happening again? Ooh, i just can't wait!!”

Jobs announced several other Apple products this week. The iSpoon, a music playing spoon, a music playing vacume cleaner branded the iSuck and a 500 dollar Apple-branded rock called uIdiot.

President Crybaby

Washington--

President Bush told Robert Draper, the author of a new book on his presidency, that he cries 'a hell of a lot'.

“I try not to wear my worries on ma sleeve, or pants leg or any other part of my apparel,” said Bush. “I cry a hell of a lot! I cry at weddings, funerals, bar mitzvahs, PTA night, large sales events, spilt milk, spilt orange juice. Hell, I cried when they shot ol' Yeller. Damn...that poor dog.” the President paused for a moment, sniffling slightly. “Sorry, that was just a dag gum sad movie. Ma wife won't let me watch it anymore 'cause I git so dag gum torn up over the endin,." Bush sputtered.

Bush broke down into tears when he recalled his drinking days and how “gawd” helped him stop. “I wouldn't be head honcho if I were still suckin, down grandma's cough medicine. I haven't had a drink in 20 minutes...err...I mean 20 years!” Bush continued to sniffle.

When asked what he planned to do after is presidency, Bush remarked, “I want to replenish the ol' coffers makin' ridiculous money on the lecture circuit like ma buddy Billy Boy! [referring to President Clinton]! Problem is, I can't go more than 30 minutes with out cryin' like a baby for his mother's tit."

Chinese Desperate for Lead-Free Paint Formula

It has been reported that a Pentagon computer system was compromised yesterday by a Chinese hacker evidently looking for the formula to create lead-free paint.

Similar computer break-ins were discovered at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory, Los Alamos, and the Sherwin Williams corporate headquarters.

An official with the Pentagon said, "We just don't understand it. Lead-free paint is readily available on the open market. Why they are secretly looking for ways to synthesize it is beyond me. Hell, I'll buy 'em a couple of cans to get 'em started."

When asked why they don't simply buy the lead-free paint, a Chinese official said, "Shut up, dirty capitalist pig! We need no paint from the round-eye Westerners! We make our own! The Communist way! We don't buy what we can make in the sweatshops of Beijing!"

Other formulas that may have been compromised include Chicken McNuggets, the Colonel's secret recipe, and Campbell's chicken soup.

Midler Kills and Eats Endangered Species in Hawaii

After a recent incident in which Bette Midler cut down 250 trees on her Kauai retreat and was fined $6500 for not having the correct permits, Midler was caught hunting and eating the rare Pookie monkey last week.

Her attorney said Midler will pay the $50,000 fine and says she is sorry for eating the delicious little fellows.

The actress claims that she didn't realize the monkeys were extremely endangered and apologized for sauteeing them in a delicious mushroom and gravy sauce.

Midler's attorney said, "It's another unfortunate mistake that probably won't happen again."

Midler is set to replace Celine Dion, who has never eaten monkeys, as a headline performer in Las Vegas.