Seagal Says FBI Probe Ruined "Career"

Seagal was implicated by the FBI for allegedly hiring a "private investigator to the stars" to frighten two journalists out to give him bad press. The private investigator was convicted, but Seagal was never publicly cleared of the charges. Seagal says this is what ruined his "film career".

The FBI says Seagal's amateurish acting and piss-poor karate moves ruined his "career".

The 56-year-old Seagal, who was once a major star with #1 pictures, now makes direct to DVD tripe such as Return to Nevereverland, I Break Your Neck and Ken and Barbie's Wild Adventure, which is only available by sending in three proofs of purchase from packages of Barbie products. Seagal says he is working on a sequel to all his movies called, Steven Seagal: Hard to Kill Because He's out for Justice and Marked for Death while being under Seige and on Deadly Ground. The sequel will be direct to VHS and shot on super 8. "Its kind of a retro thing I'm doing..kind of a solo project.. I direct, star, edit...everything!...OH GOD...WHY!!?" Seagal then broke into tears and punched himself in the mouth repeatedly to comfort himself.

"If I WAS involved in this case I'd have that fucking FBI agent who's been following me around shot in the head and thrown in the river...IF I was involved."

"That is if i could get my big fat ass out of this chair...damn it...stuck...can you help me?"

Seagal can often be found on Hollywood corners trying to sell autographed pictures for $20.

"What the fuck am I supposed to do? I have a mortgage...car payment...DON'T JUDGE ME!!!"

"Once had everything going for him. Number one movies, married to a hot wife. It's pathetic," says FBI agent Mac Johnson. "Seagal still wears a ridiculous pony tail and spray paints his balding scalp black. I'd say he was a ghost of his former self, but that would be a lie. He was always a flabby, out-of-shape, fake karate man."

At one point during News Time USA's interview, Seagal attempted a roundhouse kick, pulling his groin and flatulating loudly before crumbling to the floor.

"Little help?" he uttered, clutching his groin.

Seagal then crawled across the floor muttering, "I'll kill you...I'll kill you and your whole family...I know people...buy my book...thank you..."

Movies Opening This Weekend

In an astonishing display of Hollywood's lack of creativity, three sequels from the same franchise are being released this weekend:

Friday the 13th: The Day Before Saturday
It's a mad dash against time as Jason tries to finish his killing spree before Saturday and the start of his vacation to Disneyworld. Join Mickey, Goofy and the gang as they try to keep Jason's attention on enjoying the attractions instead of ending up victims of a brutal slaying! Featuring the song "Let's Don't Kill Again" by pop superstar Linda Rondstadt.

Next Friday the 13th
Chris Tucker is back as Smokey as he teams up with Jason to kill as many homies in the hood and smoke as much dope as is humanly possible! If you thought "Next Friday" was funny, and even if you didn't, you MUST see "Next Friday the 13th"!

Friday the 13th: Jason vs. Spock
This summer...the gang from the starship Enterprise is back and battling the sinister Jason. Can Spock's superior intellect and Vulcan judo overcome Jason's machete? Or will the Captain's bridge become a cesspool of blood? Guest starring Elvira, Donald Trump, and the ghost of Don Knotts.

Local Idiot Changes Name To "Apple iPod"

Grant Fedinshan, Dayton, OH resident and local idiot has legally changed his name to "Apple i. Pod".

"I'm a big fan of the iPod. I also thought it would be a great icebreaker at parties and a great way to meet chicks," said Mr. Pod, who dresses in all-white outfits including a t-shirt with an image of the digital audio device on the front. "I had no idea of the trouble I'd gotten myself into."

When Apple president and CEO Steve Jobs was informed of the incident, he immediately dispatched a detachment of Apple iTroops to track down and detain Mr. Pod.

"One day I'm skipping down the street, listening to 'The Carpenters' Greatest Hits' on my iPod, and the next thing I know a white van with the Apple logo on the side pulls up next to me and three goons pull me inside and speed off," Mr. Pod said, tearing up. "I was told I was in big trouble and was going to meet with 'The Big Apple'."

"The Big Apple" turned out to be Mr. Jobs.

"I was taken into a very brightly-lit white room, stripped naked, and tied to a white translucent chair that glows blue when you sit on it, " recounted Mr. Pod. "I then had electrodes attached to my nipples and scrotum and saw Mr. Jobs enter the room through a sliding door. He was holding some sort of wireless device in his hand."

After three hours of electric torture, during which Mr. Jobs said absolutely nothing, but uttered an eerie, guttural laugh every few minutes, Mr. Pod was told he would "be allowed" to keep his new name, but would be subject to a licensing fee of 25% of his income annually.

"I guess I'd better go find a job...and fast," sobbed Mr. Pod. "My nutsack still burns. It...burns..."

He then trailed off and his eyes glazed over, at which point he curled up in the fetal position on the floor shaking uncontrollably.

Details Emerge About Padilla Terrorism Case

As closing arguments in the trial of suspected "dirty bomber" Jose Padilla, some shocking details have emerged about the case.

For his part, Padilla told military interrogators that he never intended to carry out the plan. The former Taco Bell employee said he planned to shit in the Taco Bell chili to get back at fat greedy Americans and that the "dirty bomb" was slang for leaving a large turd in the Taco Bell urinal.

"The whole things is a huge misunderstanding. "Dirty bomb" is slang for leaving behind a giant turd in somebody else's toilet and not flushing it. It has nothing to do with explosives."

"I was talking to my buddy Bill on AOL Instant Messenger and said 'yeah, I plan to leave a dirty bomb at the Taco Bell I work at tomorrow. That will teach 'em who's boss.' The next thing I knew I was being whisked away in handcuffs."

"The worst thing I've ever done was take a shit in the chili at Taco Bell. So sue me! I have constipational rights you know! Who knew they were listening in on my AOL IM chats for God's sake!"

While in the Navy brig in which he was held for three years, Padilla says he was slapped across the face, kicked in the kidneys and reminded that he is an enemy combatant and has no rights other than the right to take a beating.

Although they seek a life sentence, prosecutors introduced no evidence of personal involvement by Padilla in planning or carrying out any specific terrorist plot or violent act other than crapping in a delicious bowl of Taco Bell chili.

Taco Bell officials promised to start serving food and beverages completely free of all urine and excrement within the next five years, and are debuting a new employee education program called "Just Say No to Pooping in the Food".

Taco Bell CEO Emil Brolick said, "Anyone found leaving dirty bombs in the bathroom or crapping in any of our food products will be declared an enemy combatant and beaten mercilessly, given a mock trial and thrown in dark jail cell for the rest of their life."

"Sorry, but it's just the price you have to pay for our freedoms and delicious deep fried tacos and shit free chili. It's something we just can't tolerate, and I'm sure the customers would all agree. A shit-free eatery is a quality eatery. There's no place for human excrement at Taco Bell."

Padilla also disclosed that he has peed in the cheese sauce, spat in the bean vat, and dipped his balls into the iced tea.

Mattel Promotes Lead-Based Toys

Mattel is being criticized for its latest marketing campaign aimed at children which promotes the positive benefits of a diet high in lead.

"This is nothing more than a spin campaign by Mattel to sell the millions of dollars worth of toys they have in their warehouses that are full of dangerous lead," said CDC spokesman Dan Dingleberry.

Mattel spokesman and promotions CEO Michael Peanek said that was nonsense. "Out latest studies show lead is another important mineral in a growing child's diet, just like iron! Kids need more lead and Mattel is here to help!"

"In fact, we are introducing new Hotwheels cars called Lead Racers and Barbie Lead Foot."

The new Mattel Packaging now states in a big purple and yellow sticker "NOW WITH MORE LEAD!"

Mattel claims that blood levels of lead are at a 30-year low and many children are in danger of becoming too smart.

"Without the lead in their toys children will become dangerously intelligent and try to take over the world..have you ever seen 'Village of the Damned'? Well neither have I, but I understand it's pretty scary."

Mattel claims that more lead can have some positive side effects such as low appetite, lethargy and irritability.

"Kids are obese these days. Lead can help curb that appetite as well as calm kids with ADD making them lethargic."

"As far as the irritability is concerted, thats nothing our Tickle Me Batman can't cure!"

"Hey, if the parents don't like it, don't buy our toys! Yeah, good luck. After 30 minutes of your kid screaming and crying...you'll be back....you'll be back".

He then began cackling evilly and screamed, "Mattel owns your asses! Batman, G.I. Joe, Barbie...whataya gonna do? Huh? We've got the best toys! So your kids are gonna eat lead and like it!

The announcement comes on the heels of Mattel's controversial release of "My First Nuclear Submarine", containing real plutonium.

Carl Rove to Star in Production of Young Frankenstein

Carl Rove has left the White House to star in an off-Broadway production of Young Frankenstein. After seeing Rove dance at a recent White House event the director thought Rove had just the right amount of creepiness and humor needed for such a quirky role.

"I watched what I thought was supposed to be dancing by Rove and thought, 'Wow, he dances like a corpse!'. He also has a kind of Peter Boyle look about him. I wondered if he'd be interested in the part, and approached him about it. To my surprise he was!"

"We've been courting him for several months now trying to work out the details of his contract. It's been very hush-hush. One thing about Rove-- he sure as hell can keep a secret!"

Rove said in a statement, "I can't wait to don the make-up and do 'Puttin' on theRitz'! I haven't gotten this worked up since I was beaten up by the girl next door! This will show her! THIS WILL SHOW ALL OF YOU!"

"Yes...soon....soon the Republican party will be reborn...REBORN ON BROADWAY..from there we will move on to Hollywood! Once we have Hollywood, then the world will take us seriously again!"

He then began to cackle wildly as he draped a black cloak around his body and dissapeared in a shroud of smoke.

Movies Opening This Weekend

My Pal Nerbert
The zany misadventures of a little boy and his pet slug, who teach each other the true meaning of friendship.

Honey, I Shot the Kids
The hilarious misadventures of a former mob boss turned house husband.

Where the Fuck Are We?
The wild misadventures of a Chinese family who get lost in New York City on vacation and have to race the clock to make it back home...or be enslaved by a Chinese Circus!

I Was a Comedian Zombie
The side-splitting misadventures of a struggling comedian who wants to make you laugh...and eat your brain!

Diet Drug Blamed For Increased Shitting of Pants

The new diet pill known as "Alli", that produces side effects including "anal leakage", has been blamed for the soaring number of reports of spontaneous and explosive diarrhea across the nation.

"Well, I was just standing in line at the Wal-Mart, buying a 3-month supply of Alli, when all of a sudden I felt this...rumbling in my stomach," stated morbidly obese Luther Drolingson. "That's when it happened..." he continued, teary-eyed. "I spewed diarrhea all over the inside of my drawers, and it dripped down my legs and onto the floor. And imagine my embarrassment when I heard someone calling for a mop on register 5 over the PA system, and noticed everyone look over to see what had happened. I would've run out of there if my knees and ankles could properly support my enormous weight."

Wal-Mart managers have seen the need to spend more money hiring additional cleaning staff in the wake of the recent incidents.

"It's pretty much a necessity, "says Wal-Mart manager Hank Uterinesky. "I don't know about you, but seeing a large pool of liquid poo on the floor wouldn't exactly spark my desire to buy an LCD television or the latest Bratz doll for my kid. In fact, we've had multiple instances of both diarrhea attacks and mass vomiting occurring simultaneously, which really increases the demand of a good 'mop man'."

When asked how he would deal with the increased expense of cleanup crews, Mr. Uterinesky replied, "Well, we can always cut our employees benefits even further, or lower their wages. There are always options."

He then winked at a fellow manager, 'high-fived' him, then strolled away toward his office, sidestepping a pile of shit on the way.

In response to the recent public incidents of anal leakage, the company that manufactures and markets Alli now plans to include a special "anal cork" in every box.