Mattel Promotes Lead-Based Toys

Mattel is being criticized for its latest marketing campaign aimed at children which promotes the positive benefits of a diet high in lead.

"This is nothing more than a spin campaign by Mattel to sell the millions of dollars worth of toys they have in their warehouses that are full of dangerous lead," said CDC spokesman Dan Dingleberry.

Mattel spokesman and promotions CEO Michael Peanek said that was nonsense. "Out latest studies show lead is another important mineral in a growing child's diet, just like iron! Kids need more lead and Mattel is here to help!"

"In fact, we are introducing new Hotwheels cars called Lead Racers and Barbie Lead Foot."

The new Mattel Packaging now states in a big purple and yellow sticker "NOW WITH MORE LEAD!"

Mattel claims that blood levels of lead are at a 30-year low and many children are in danger of becoming too smart.

"Without the lead in their toys children will become dangerously intelligent and try to take over the world..have you ever seen 'Village of the Damned'? Well neither have I, but I understand it's pretty scary."

Mattel claims that more lead can have some positive side effects such as low appetite, lethargy and irritability.

"Kids are obese these days. Lead can help curb that appetite as well as calm kids with ADD making them lethargic."

"As far as the irritability is concerted, thats nothing our Tickle Me Batman can't cure!"

"Hey, if the parents don't like it, don't buy our toys! Yeah, good luck. After 30 minutes of your kid screaming and crying...you'll be back....you'll be back".

He then began cackling evilly and screamed, "Mattel owns your asses! Batman, G.I. Joe, Barbie...whataya gonna do? Huh? We've got the best toys! So your kids are gonna eat lead and like it!

The announcement comes on the heels of Mattel's controversial release of "My First Nuclear Submarine", containing real plutonium.