Seagal Says FBI Probe Ruined "Career"

Seagal was implicated by the FBI for allegedly hiring a "private investigator to the stars" to frighten two journalists out to give him bad press. The private investigator was convicted, but Seagal was never publicly cleared of the charges. Seagal says this is what ruined his "film career".

The FBI says Seagal's amateurish acting and piss-poor karate moves ruined his "career".

The 56-year-old Seagal, who was once a major star with #1 pictures, now makes direct to DVD tripe such as Return to Nevereverland, I Break Your Neck and Ken and Barbie's Wild Adventure, which is only available by sending in three proofs of purchase from packages of Barbie products. Seagal says he is working on a sequel to all his movies called, Steven Seagal: Hard to Kill Because He's out for Justice and Marked for Death while being under Seige and on Deadly Ground. The sequel will be direct to VHS and shot on super 8. "Its kind of a retro thing I'm doing..kind of a solo project.. I direct, star, edit...everything!...OH GOD...WHY!!?" Seagal then broke into tears and punched himself in the mouth repeatedly to comfort himself.

"If I WAS involved in this case I'd have that fucking FBI agent who's been following me around shot in the head and thrown in the river...IF I was involved."

"That is if i could get my big fat ass out of this chair...damn it...stuck...can you help me?"

Seagal can often be found on Hollywood corners trying to sell autographed pictures for $20.

"What the fuck am I supposed to do? I have a mortgage...car payment...DON'T JUDGE ME!!!"

"Once had everything going for him. Number one movies, married to a hot wife. It's pathetic," says FBI agent Mac Johnson. "Seagal still wears a ridiculous pony tail and spray paints his balding scalp black. I'd say he was a ghost of his former self, but that would be a lie. He was always a flabby, out-of-shape, fake karate man."

At one point during News Time USA's interview, Seagal attempted a roundhouse kick, pulling his groin and flatulating loudly before crumbling to the floor.

"Little help?" he uttered, clutching his groin.

Seagal then crawled across the floor muttering, "I'll kill you...I'll kill you and your whole family...I know people...buy my book...thank you..."