Monday, August 13, 2007

Diet Drug Blamed For Increased Shitting of Pants

The new diet pill known as "Alli", that produces side effects including "anal leakage", has been blamed for the soaring number of reports of spontaneous and explosive diarrhea across the nation.

"Well, I was just standing in line at the Wal-Mart, buying a 3-month supply of Alli, when all of a sudden I felt this...rumbling in my stomach," stated morbidly obese Luther Drolingson. "That's when it happened..." he continued, teary-eyed. "I spewed diarrhea all over the inside of my drawers, and it dripped down my legs and onto the floor. And imagine my embarrassment when I heard someone calling for a mop on register 5 over the PA system, and noticed everyone look over to see what had happened. I would've run out of there if my knees and ankles could properly support my enormous weight."

Wal-Mart managers have seen the need to spend more money hiring additional cleaning staff in the wake of the recent incidents.

"It's pretty much a necessity, "says Wal-Mart manager Hank Uterinesky. "I don't know about you, but seeing a large pool of liquid poo on the floor wouldn't exactly spark my desire to buy an LCD television or the latest Bratz doll for my kid. In fact, we've had multiple instances of both diarrhea attacks and mass vomiting occurring simultaneously, which really increases the demand of a good 'mop man'."

When asked how he would deal with the increased expense of cleanup crews, Mr. Uterinesky replied, "Well, we can always cut our employees benefits even further, or lower their wages. There are always options."

He then winked at a fellow manager, 'high-fived' him, then strolled away toward his office, sidestepping a pile of shit on the way.

In response to the recent public incidents of anal leakage, the company that manufactures and markets Alli now plans to include a special "anal cork" in every box.

1 comment:

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