Local Idiot Changes Name To "Apple iPod"

Grant Fedinshan, Dayton, OH resident and local idiot has legally changed his name to "Apple i. Pod".

"I'm a big fan of the iPod. I also thought it would be a great icebreaker at parties and a great way to meet chicks," said Mr. Pod, who dresses in all-white outfits including a t-shirt with an image of the digital audio device on the front. "I had no idea of the trouble I'd gotten myself into."

When Apple president and CEO Steve Jobs was informed of the incident, he immediately dispatched a detachment of Apple iTroops to track down and detain Mr. Pod.

"One day I'm skipping down the street, listening to 'The Carpenters' Greatest Hits' on my iPod, and the next thing I know a white van with the Apple logo on the side pulls up next to me and three goons pull me inside and speed off," Mr. Pod said, tearing up. "I was told I was in big trouble and was going to meet with 'The Big Apple'."

"The Big Apple" turned out to be Mr. Jobs.

"I was taken into a very brightly-lit white room, stripped naked, and tied to a white translucent chair that glows blue when you sit on it, " recounted Mr. Pod. "I then had electrodes attached to my nipples and scrotum and saw Mr. Jobs enter the room through a sliding door. He was holding some sort of wireless device in his hand."

After three hours of electric torture, during which Mr. Jobs said absolutely nothing, but uttered an eerie, guttural laugh every few minutes, Mr. Pod was told he would "be allowed" to keep his new name, but would be subject to a licensing fee of 25% of his income annually.

"I guess I'd better go find a job...and fast," sobbed Mr. Pod. "My nutsack still burns. It...burns..."

He then trailed off and his eyes glazed over, at which point he curled up in the fetal position on the floor shaking uncontrollably.