Man's Penis Becomes Torch

The Moscow press is reporting that a woman set her ex-husband's penis on fire. Due to the high cost of housing in Moscow, the couple, although divorced, still occupy the same apartment. According to the victim, Vladimir Vadavich, the attack was completely unwarranted.

"I do not know what I did to deserve. It was very painful. Was like tiny candle burning in wind. Then bitch lit cigarette with it, cackling like dirty whore she is!"

"I try blow out, but keep flaming back on...it hurt very bad. I try hard to pee...put out flames. But shit in pants instead! Finally, I stuff in her mouth to extinguish."

I say, "You happy now? I have burned cock and you have burned mouth! You sorry bitch whore!"

"It smell like hot dog barbeque, but with burned pubic hair smell mixed. Do you like hot dogs, Mr. Newsman? Because I sure as hell do not!"

"Why you laugh? You think burned penis is laughing matter? When try to ejaculate...much pain, much pain. I drink lots vodka...to dull pain...and when try to make pee, flames shoot out."

"Now if excuse, I go rub lotion on my wiener."

A few minutes later, Mr. Vadavich emerged from the bathroom and continued the interview pantless, his genitals covered in a white lotion-like substance.

"She big fat bitch! I threaten to take away her potato chips. Also, I no longer leave matches around house. Then Vladimir tell her will light up her nipples. I think that scare her, but I still afraid to fall sleep at night."

"Why she make the fire on my pee-pee? Why? Fire and pee-pee's do not go together!"

He then broke down sobbing, rocking slowly in his chair.

Chinese Recalls on the Rise

In a stunning development that serves as a crushing blow to China's standing in the International community, over 73 Chinese manufactured and exported products have been recalled in recent days. They include:

"Catch It All" condoms, which contain sulphuric acid and have been known to sear away the first layer of skin on the penis

"Dinnertime Deluxe" brand plates, which shatter on contact with food

Kerosene-soaked, used baby bottle nipples, sold under various brand names

"Doh-Nuts" brand donuts made from sawdust and plastic-based chocolate

"Super Protector UV Knight" brand sunglasses that actually pass an inordinate amount of extra UV light instead of blocking it, and which has been blamed for numerous cases of burned retinas, smoking corneas, and even spontaneous combustion of the eyeball.

"They actually seem to amplify the sun's rays and focus them directly into the eye. How they managed to fuck that up, I'll never know," says optometrist Dr. LeRoy Gristich.

"Mr. StinkFinger" brand toilet paper that seems to contain high levels of recycled glass which appears to serve no function, and has led to several outbreaks of rectal lacerations in emergency rooms across the country. The toilet paper is actually a type of fiberglass which can lead to extremely itchy rectums and allergic reactions.

"Super Juicy Time" apple juice containing alarming levels of bull urine

"Crystal Springtime Oh-So-Clean" brand bottled water apparently containing high levels of mercury and cow feces.

"Lets just say it ain't 'oh-so-clean', as the label claims, says disturbed scientist and bottled water aficionado Dr. John Petralin. "You open this shit up and it smells like raw sewage! In fact, we suspect the bottling plant is adjacent to one of China's largest waste recycling plants."

"Mr. Wong's Oh-So-Yummy" coffee, which apparently contains no actual coffee. "We still aren't exactly sure what chemicals are used to make this stuff," says Dr. Petralin. "The distressing thing is that it smells like ground-up crayons and glows in the dark. I'm afraid to be in the same room with it, actually."

Chinese officials had no comment on the newest round of recalls, and over 37 Chinese executives have committed suicide in the wake of the announcements. The remaining responsible executives are to be rounded up and burned at the stake tomorrow afternoon on Chinese state television.

Hurricane Dean Downgraded, Renamed "Hurricane Weenie"

Hurricane Dean, which was expected to be a mighty storm ready to thrash Texas with mighty winds and uproot thousands of trailers and pink flamingos, has apparently lost steam. The once mighty winds have been renamed Hurricane Weenie.

President Bush expressed his disappointment in the situation stating, "Dag gum carn sarn it, I was dang sure ready to send troops, bottled water and chewin' tobacky down home to make up fer that Katrina fuck up I dern did!"

"It's just mighty dag nab disappointin' when we can git ourselves a good ol' whopper of a hurricane a hootin' and a hollerin' down there in Texas, and it just done does peters out on ya," Bush griped almost incoherently.

News Time USA caught up with Hurricane Weenie to ask why the sudden lack of enthusiasm when moving to trash one of the largest states in the Union?

"Well, I don't know...after Mexico I kinda felt...well...whats the point? The place already looks like a dump anyway...if anything it would be an improvement. Anyway, I've been considering a career change. Maybe a tornado? Or just a light thunderstorm? Being a hurricane is overrated anyway...too much competition."

NBC’s Top Executives: “We’re shit out of ideas”

NBC executives have recently released their fall lineup to the press. Here’s a sneak-peek at what you’ll see this fall on NBC:

Who Wants to Become a Giant?

Reality Show
A reality show about the making of a reality show.

Guess Which Hand It’s In!

Law & Order: 90210

Law & Order: Old West

Law & Order: Deep Space 2034

Law & Order: Special Education Unit
Undercover officer disguises himself as a retarded child to infiltrate a gang of mentally retarded crack dealers.