Chinese Recalls on the Rise

In a stunning development that serves as a crushing blow to China's standing in the International community, over 73 Chinese manufactured and exported products have been recalled in recent days. They include:

"Catch It All" condoms, which contain sulphuric acid and have been known to sear away the first layer of skin on the penis

"Dinnertime Deluxe" brand plates, which shatter on contact with food

Kerosene-soaked, used baby bottle nipples, sold under various brand names

"Doh-Nuts" brand donuts made from sawdust and plastic-based chocolate

"Super Protector UV Knight" brand sunglasses that actually pass an inordinate amount of extra UV light instead of blocking it, and which has been blamed for numerous cases of burned retinas, smoking corneas, and even spontaneous combustion of the eyeball.

"They actually seem to amplify the sun's rays and focus them directly into the eye. How they managed to fuck that up, I'll never know," says optometrist Dr. LeRoy Gristich.

"Mr. StinkFinger" brand toilet paper that seems to contain high levels of recycled glass which appears to serve no function, and has led to several outbreaks of rectal lacerations in emergency rooms across the country. The toilet paper is actually a type of fiberglass which can lead to extremely itchy rectums and allergic reactions.

"Super Juicy Time" apple juice containing alarming levels of bull urine

"Crystal Springtime Oh-So-Clean" brand bottled water apparently containing high levels of mercury and cow feces.

"Lets just say it ain't 'oh-so-clean', as the label claims, says disturbed scientist and bottled water aficionado Dr. John Petralin. "You open this shit up and it smells like raw sewage! In fact, we suspect the bottling plant is adjacent to one of China's largest waste recycling plants."

"Mr. Wong's Oh-So-Yummy" coffee, which apparently contains no actual coffee. "We still aren't exactly sure what chemicals are used to make this stuff," says Dr. Petralin. "The distressing thing is that it smells like ground-up crayons and glows in the dark. I'm afraid to be in the same room with it, actually."

Chinese officials had no comment on the newest round of recalls, and over 37 Chinese executives have committed suicide in the wake of the announcements. The remaining responsible executives are to be rounded up and burned at the stake tomorrow afternoon on Chinese state television.