Bush Surprised By Greenspan Criticism

Washington-- President Bush is "pissed" at Alan Greenspan's criticisms in Greenspan's new book, the White House said Monday. In the book, Greenspan accuses Bush of squandering the nation's budget on wild parties and booze, among other improprieties.

Bush has challenged Greenspan to a no-holds-barred cage match to settle their differences.

"Why I'm gonna punch that ol' prune right in the balls!" Bush commented. "I thought me and Greeny were on the same page! Damn ol' bastard needs to shut his pie hole, goddamn him!"

Alan Greenspan, fighting under the name "The Green Tornado" threatened to "tear that hillbilly's head clean off and shit down his neck."

"I warned the president...I warned him that tax cuts for his rich buddies just wont fly...now I'm gonna take that sum bitch apart! TAKE HIM APART!"

Greenspan, although almost 148 years old, is said to still be a formidable grappler in the ring. Unable to perform high risk moves due to hip ailments, he is expected to resort to figure four legs locks, eye gouges, arm bar submission moves and dirty tricks. A mortician and casket will be ready ringside in the event of Greenspan's demise.

The match will be aired on C-Span later this week.

O.J. Robs Hotdog Stand At Gun Point

Las Vegas-- O.J. Simpson was arrested Monday for robbing a hot dog vendor of one delicious foot long hot dog, 100% beef, with relish, mustard, no catsup and jalapenos. Simpson claims he was just asking for what belongs to him.

"It's all one big misunderstanding" said Simpson. "All I said to the hot dog vendor was 'Give me a fucking hot dog or I'll slice your neck!' I was kidding! What? He can't take a joke?"

The hot dog vendor claims O.J. swung a bat with nails in it at him. O.J. claims the bat was just a big misunderstanding.

"I didn't swing a bat at him! I asked him if he wanted to touch it with his head. I always happen to carry a bat with nails...ski mask...gloves..hunting knife when I walk around Vegas. It's a dangerous town. You never know what dangerous criminal could spring out and rape you. "