President Bush to Undergo Colonoscopy

President Bush will undergo a colonoscopy tomorrow, during which power will be transferred to Vice-President Dick Cheney.

"If there's anyone I can trust with maintaining the war on terror while I'm being reamed out, it's ol' Dicky-Boy. Hell, he shot a guy in the face once! Remember that? That was cool", Mr. Bush said.

This is the President's fourth colonoscopy, a procedure he describes as "a real pain in the ass".

"The whole situation just stinks," says President Bush.

Former Chief-of-Staff Colin Powell had his colon prowled by the same proctologist, known lovingly as "Dr. StinkFinger" in White House circles.

"I don't know why they have to go so deep...it feels like a dog digging up a garden, woooo wheeee, it smarted! I done told the doc, 'There ain't no WMD's up there son...what's taking so long?" chuckled Mr. Bush.

Mr. Bush, however, says he has a very supportive family and staff, particularly the Vice-President.

"Dick has been very supportive through this hole ordeal. He's hard sometimes, but he helps me push through the hard times", Mr. Bush explained.

The entire procedure will be broadcast on C-Span next week.

New Canadian Study Reveals Everything Causes Cancer

A new study that is a culmination of every cancer study ever done shows that pretty much everything we do, drink or eat causes cancer.

"And you can try whatever you want...antioxidants, massive doses of Vitamin E, increased exercise. But basically, you're still fucked. In fact, exercise increases your risk three-fold", said John Wilkinhiemersmith as he lit up five cigarettes.

"Like to jog? Lift weights? Well, good luck with that, asshole! You'll just leave a better-looking corpse to bury, that's all."

Scientists recommend curling up into the fetal position and waiting for Death to take you home, since there's not a goddamn thing you can do to avoid an untimely passing.

News Time USA polled our readers and was shocked to find that the majority of people didn't find this to be much of a surprise.

Ruth Durkins says "well every freakin' week we watch that nightly show with Brian Brokaw and he says dont eat bacon..then he says bacon is good for you! Eat eggs, don't eat eggs! I'm just sick and tired of the whole thing! So I figure, fuck it! I'll eat whatever I damn well please, thank you very much!"

Dr. Wilkinhiemershith said about the only thing that could prevent dying from cancer would be to die from something else, like perhaps getting run over by a train or horse and cart.

"So go out, have some drinks, some smokes, unprotected gay sex...hell, snort some baby powder or detergent, whatever floats your boat! It doesn't matter. Even water will kill you. So live it up, America! You might as well have a great time before that bowl of Special K causes an inoperable brain tumor."

Windows Vista Woes

Redmond, WA.-- Microsoft announced Monday that it was releasing yet another version of Microsoft Windows Vista, titled 'Microsoft Vista Cafe Loco Edition' in order to further confuse consumers.

Steve Ballmer said of the release: "We truly feel now is the time for Cafe Loco. If we give the consumers enough choices, eventually one of them will install Vista."

“Currently Microsoft has 13 or...maybe 14 different flavors of Vista for consumers to choose from. We think consumers should collect them all! They come in these really cool DVD cases with a curved corner and collectible holograms!"

So far Americans have slow to adopt the new operating system, and the French even slower.

PePe LeFronshe said: "I install zis Vista and it slowed my computer down so bad! All I want to do is play new Halo! It really fuck-ed my computer so bad. Wine and cheese."

Rebuilding Iraq

"If there is one word I would use to sum up the atmosphere in Iraq - on the streets, in the countryside, in the neighborhoods and at the national level - that word would be 'fuck damn shit'", Ryan Crocker, the top U.S. diplomat, told the Senate Foreign Relations Committee.

"Well, not those words per se, but whatever comparable word our Arabic-speaking friends in Iraq use to sum up or comment on what we Americans might call 'a complete cluster fuck'".

"And let me tell you-- the Iraqis are not using these expletives lightly. When you walk out of your home in the morning, and come home in the evening to a pile of rubble, well, 'fuck damn shit' can barely express the frustration our turbaned friends must feel."

News Time USA asked an Iraqi cab driver if he felt the American presence in Iraq was helping or hurting the situation, to which he replied: "What? Get the shit damn out of my cab, cornhole, I got better things to do! That's the dumbest question I have ever heard! Of COURSE it's hurting the situations..land mines hurt! OK? Now pay up or beat it..I got work to do!"

We also talked to local Iraqi Richard Smith about last night's bombing in which he lost his home and all his possessions.

"Crap shit! Not again! I can't tell you how sick of this crap I am. What am I, the three little pigs? You guys gonna blow my freakin' house down AGAIN? Jesus..you guys are bustin' my balls! YOUR BUSTIN' MY BALLS! OK?"

Easy-Bake Oven Recall

In February, Easy Bake's parent company, Hasbro Inc., recalled 985,000 of the toys because children were getting their hands and fingers trapped in the front opening, and some were burned. At that time, Hasbro offered a free repair kit to improve the oven's safety.

Hasbro should just send out a memo saying "Hey, not our fault your kids are stupid morons!"

"These are the same kids who grab a burning log when they go camping! What are you going to do? Recall fire?"

Hasbro suggested to parents that they buy those kids a toy that is more their speed, like Hasbro's new 'Rock'.

"Basically, its a rock..it doesn't do much more than just sit there. Parents, however, have complained that children are bashing each other over the head with the new toys and have asked Hasbro to recall the new toy as well."

Some have even bashed in their OWN heads in a remarkable act of pure stupidity.

Hasbro responded with "Jesus Christ on a cracker!"

One child even managed to swallow "Rock", which is remarkable considering it's about 10 inches in diameter

"Basically our safety team has given up all hope of making so-called safe toys. Kids are just getting stupider instead of smarter."

Hasbro said in a statement that they are canceling their "Easy Bake Oven for Morons".

"I just don't think we can make this thing any more fool proof. I mean, it uses a fucking lightbulb to cook with! You'd have to keep your hand in there for an hour to get burned! And then we get some stupid kid wearing it on his head like a hat and the dumbass burns off all his hair! Then they sue us!"

"I mean...what the fuck? Where are the PARENTS when this stuff is going on? Were they this stupid at 6 years old? I don't remember all this stupidity in the 60's and 70's. Kids must literally be getting stupider by the minute!"

"Shit, back in the 70's we released 'Little Tommy Nail Gun'. We didn't get any complaints! Now we make 'Sandy Soft Sponge' and some kid in Arkansas chokes on her. CHOKES ON A 4 FOOT SPONGE!"

"Jesus...back in the 70's, kids knew not to point gun toys at each other! Nowadays, they're putting them to their heads and pulling the trigger 'just to see what happens'. Now we have to make guns all these stupid colors like lime green and pink because some dumb shit runs into 7-11 with a toy rifle and tries to steal all their Ho Ho's!"

"So HASBRO has to suffer? We can't make realistic guns anymore! Where's the justice? Huh? A kid gets blown away by a double-barreled shotgun....and for what? A delicious chocolate pastry treat. Pathetic."