New Canadian Study Reveals Everything Causes Cancer

A new study that is a culmination of every cancer study ever done shows that pretty much everything we do, drink or eat causes cancer.

"And you can try whatever you want...antioxidants, massive doses of Vitamin E, increased exercise. But basically, you're still fucked. In fact, exercise increases your risk three-fold", said John Wilkinhiemersmith as he lit up five cigarettes.

"Like to jog? Lift weights? Well, good luck with that, asshole! You'll just leave a better-looking corpse to bury, that's all."

Scientists recommend curling up into the fetal position and waiting for Death to take you home, since there's not a goddamn thing you can do to avoid an untimely passing.

News Time USA polled our readers and was shocked to find that the majority of people didn't find this to be much of a surprise.

Ruth Durkins says "well every freakin' week we watch that nightly show with Brian Brokaw and he says dont eat bacon..then he says bacon is good for you! Eat eggs, don't eat eggs! I'm just sick and tired of the whole thing! So I figure, fuck it! I'll eat whatever I damn well please, thank you very much!"

Dr. Wilkinhiemershith said about the only thing that could prevent dying from cancer would be to die from something else, like perhaps getting run over by a train or horse and cart.

"So go out, have some drinks, some smokes, unprotected gay sex...hell, snort some baby powder or detergent, whatever floats your boat! It doesn't matter. Even water will kill you. So live it up, America! You might as well have a great time before that bowl of Special K causes an inoperable brain tumor."