Monday, March 16, 2009

Scientists Find Pint-sized, Tasty, Meat-eating Dinosaur

WASHINGTON –Imagine a ferocious blood thirsty velociraptor like those in some block buster Hollywood special effects bonanza, but only as big as a modern chicken and amazingly more delicious! That's what Canadian researchers say they have found. Not only the smallest meat-eating dinosaur yet discovered in North America but possibly the most delicious in history. This pint-sized 4-to-5 pound dino, "probably hunted and ate whatever the hell it could for its size — insects, mammals, rocks, mud, shit...just about anything," according to Nathan Shortpoor of the University of Calgon. When asked how they knew the dino was "tasty", Nathan explained that if it walks like a chicken, looks like a chicken then it probably tasted like a chicken. Nathan and the other researchers at the university had yet to take their lunch breaks and had just smoked several pounds of marijuana when Newstime caught up to them. "Man, can you imagine this little guy in a light crispy batter with several herbs and spices!? Huh? Can you!! Dang! when is lunch again? Friggin' starvin' dude." Nathan groaned before taking off his lab coat and putting away his marijuana paraphernalia. "Just imagine if we can clone these li'l fellas! We can start our own fast food chain! I can only imagine how good they must taste."

Friday, March 13, 2009

One Dead in Kool-Aid Accident

LITTLE ROCK, Ark- One man is dead today after a freak traffic accident involving his 1991 VW bus and a sticky windshield full of dried Kool-Aid. Sources say the man's wife, who runs a daycare center, accidentally swapped his windshield wiper fluid with concentrated Kool-Aid. Authorities don't suspect foul play and say it was a case of extreme stupidity. The 34-year-old man was traveling down highway 440 when he went to use his wiper fluid. Instead of wiper fluid his windshield was instantly splattered with a thick red sticky film witch dried quickly and attracted a swarm of knats and dust, blinding the father of 12 and causing him to slam into a truck filled with rusty razor blades. Kool-Aid man could not be reached for comment.

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Gun Pried From Heston's Cold, Dead Hands

Actor Charlton Heston's gun was pried from his cold, dead hands as promised by the actor Monday as he was laid to rest in his Moses costume.

The mob of gun worshippers flooded the funeral home demanding Heston give up the gun as he had promised the crowd when he became the spokesman for the NRA. Billy Joe Dunphux claimed, "It's only fair...he did say we could have it when we pry it from his cold, dead hands."

The gun in question did indeed require some prying as several firemen and one hospital worker used the jaws of life to pry the gun from the diseased actor's hands. "Boy, howdy he did have some kind of a kung fu grip!" chuckled Ross Rosenburg, local fireman.

The gun will go on display at a local kindergarten school in Alabama Wednesday.

Friday, February 15, 2008

Punxsutawney Phil Found Dead in Tree Apartment

Punxsutawney Phil, famed groundhog and weather predictor, was found dead today of a suspected drug overdose. He was 46 years old.

A note was found on a bedstand, a portion of which follows:

"I am sick and tired of the human bastards who use me to predict their weather. Every day seems the same to me. I wake up, go outside, see my shadow, or not. Same shit. I'm tired of it all."

"I can't imagine why he would do such a thing," remarked upstairs neighbor "Punxutawney Gary", a squirrel who provides horoscopes for the local paper. "He had it all. Good job, fame, women. He was banging a really hot squirrel that lives downstairs. I just don't get it."

Punxsutawney Phil, whose real name was "Mr. Peepers", also found national fame starring opposite Bill Murray in the movie "Groundhog Day", but did not see one penny of residuals from the film. Some theorize this may have been another motive in his suicide.

"He won't be predicting winters anymore...not in this lifetime," said Punxatawney mayor Gregory Glandertall. "Where the fuck are we gonna find another weather-predicting groundhog?"

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Scientists Decode Most of Cat's DNA

Scientists have now decoded almost all of the DNA of the common feline, and have found an alarming lust for murder.

Your cat could be a ticking time bomb just waiting to slash your throat as you sleep," says Dr. Jake T. Powder of the Institute for Useless Studies. "Or cut open your eyes...even tear them out of their sockets. Slice open your gut and disembowel you...chew up your testicles. They really are quite intelligent and incredibly devious."

However scientists are still baffled at why the typical 'Mr. Whiskers' will shit in the litter box 98% of the time, yet leave the occassional 'Tootsie Roll' behind the couch.

"We think it may be a sign to other felines in the domicile," continued Dr. Powder. "It's as if to say: Hey, you, stay away. This is my human. Go find another two-legged meatsack to mutilate."

We contacted several area cats, none of whom agreed to comment on this story.

Tuesday, October 2, 2007

Korean Leaders Meet; Slapfight Ensues

Pyongyang, North Korea-- In a historic moment, the presidents of North and South Korea, Kim Jon Il and Roh Moo-hyun, met for the first time since World War II. However, it was evident things weren't going well when a brutal slapfight ensued between the two leaders.

"It was amazing!" said excited onlooker Bill Jones. "Kim Jon Il called Roh Moo-hyun a 'dirty, freedom-loving rice eater'. Then Moo-hyun called Jon Il a 'filthy, tyrannical rice eater'. Then all hell broke loose and Jon Il just slapped the living shit out of Moo-hyun. Everybody started laughing at first, because he hits like a girl!"

The laughter continued as Moo-hyun countered with his own girl-like slap, and a good-old- fashioned no-holds-barred slapfight began.

After several minutes, however, the laughter subsided as the violence of the confrontation escalated.

"It was horrible!" sobbed a distressed witness to the shenanigans. "After a time, you couldn't even recognize them anymore. Their faces had been turned into bloody pulps. They both refused to stand down and just continued slapping each other harder and harder. I can still hear the echoes of those slaps in my nightmares."

Eventually both men reached the point of exhaustion and collapsed to the ground. They were both rushed to the hospital with second degree slap wounds.

"This is a historic day for these two countries," remarked Chinese diplomat Moo Goo Gai Pan. "They've gone from war, to cold war, to slapping. It's real progress."

Monday, September 24, 2007

Iranian President "Scared Shitless"

New York City-- Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, who is scheduled to speak at Columbia University today, says he is "scared shitless" about the speaking engagement.

"Let's face it, I am considered an enemy of the state by your President Bush," said Ahmadinejad, wearing a helmet, body armor, gas mask, knee pads, and steel-toed boots. "For all I know there is a CIA sniper with his scope trained on my face right now," he continued, looking around nervously then ducking behind a chair.

Columbia's decision to host Ahmadinejad, who has said that Israel should be "wiped off the map", and whose country is accused of exporting terrorism and seeking to build nuclear weapons, has been criticized by many.

"I wish I could make the American pig-dogs, er, people understand," President Ahmadinejad sighed. "I'm just like you! I jumped for joy when Kelly Clarkston won on 'American Idol'. I cried on the anniversary of '9/11'. No, wait...I laughed like a drunk hyena. Scratch that. The point is, I'm a human being-- not a monster who is out to kill all the Jews and build bombs and rape little children! Now if you'll excuse me, I must make shit in pants now."

Ahmadinejad then ducked behind his interpreter, using her as a human shield as he carefully made his way to the restroom.