Iranian President "Scared Shitless"

New York City-- Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, who is scheduled to speak at Columbia University today, says he is "scared shitless" about the speaking engagement.

"Let's face it, I am considered an enemy of the state by your President Bush," said Ahmadinejad, wearing a helmet, body armor, gas mask, knee pads, and steel-toed boots. "For all I know there is a CIA sniper with his scope trained on my face right now," he continued, looking around nervously then ducking behind a chair.

Columbia's decision to host Ahmadinejad, who has said that Israel should be "wiped off the map", and whose country is accused of exporting terrorism and seeking to build nuclear weapons, has been criticized by many.

"I wish I could make the American pig-dogs, er, people understand," President Ahmadinejad sighed. "I'm just like you! I jumped for joy when Kelly Clarkston won on 'American Idol'. I cried on the anniversary of '9/11'. No, wait...I laughed like a drunk hyena. Scratch that. The point is, I'm a human being-- not a monster who is out to kill all the Jews and build bombs and rape little children! Now if you'll excuse me, I must make shit in pants now."

Ahmadinejad then ducked behind his interpreter, using her as a human shield as he carefully made his way to the restroom.