Mexicans Sending Less Money Home

Economic analysts say that money sent back to Mexico and other Latin American countries by Latino workers to their families has drastically decreased in recent months. The major reason? The lure of American luxuries.

"I'd like to help out my mother and father back in Mexico," said long-time U.S. resident Pedro Picopiedra. "But FUCK! These XBOX 360 games are expensive! And with the new Halo coming out...It'll be a while before my family sees ANY more cash."

Joaquin Fernandez expressed a similar sentiment.

"After my house payment, car payment, the money I spend daily at Starbucks, and my multiple subscriptions to porn websites, there's just not enough money left to send home," he lamented. "I barely have enough left over every month to spend on my wardrobe. I can't dress like a hobo and expect to get laid every weekend! I guess I could have my maid come in one day less a week, and be able to send some money back home. Maybe."

Mexico's economy relies heavily on remittances from Latinos living in the U.S.

"Sure, we could find ways to boost our industries, increase our exports, and thereby decrease our dependency on these...how you say... "remittances"... flowing into Mexico from the U.S.," said Mexico's Finance Minister Juan Teclado. "But it's so much easier just to sit back and do nothing. Or better yet, lie back in a hammock and do nothing."

He then excused himself, explaining it was time for his three-hour siesta.

38 Million Vehicles Recalled Due To Faulty Cupholders

Ford has recalled 38 million vehicles that have faulty cupholders, a company spokesman said. Customers are complaining that the cupholders are not well suited to support the enormous weight of the new 3 liter jumbo drinks sold at various fast food chains.

"Well I done pulled into Mickey D's t'uther day and got me one of them there huge drinks. Damn cup holder just done gave out on me. I spilt ma dang soda all over the floor. Next thing ya know I wrapped my truck around a fence post!" said Alabama resident and local crank Luke Farnsworthy.

"My fucking jumbo size Diet Coke won't fit in the fuckin' cupholder!" fumed John Fudinker, Chicago resident and area asshole. "So I have to hold the fucking thing between my legs. By the time I get to work my fucking nuts are frozen fucking SOLID!"

Angry protesters stood outside Ford Motor Company's world headquarters Friday throwing plastic cups and chanting racial slurs for no apparent reason.

Ford says every vehicle they produce will now feature metal cupholders capable of supporting beverages up to 13 inches in diameter and weighing up to 35 pounds.