Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Details Emerge About Padilla Terrorism Case

As closing arguments in the trial of suspected "dirty bomber" Jose Padilla, some shocking details have emerged about the case.

For his part, Padilla told military interrogators that he never intended to carry out the plan. The former Taco Bell employee said he planned to shit in the Taco Bell chili to get back at fat greedy Americans and that the "dirty bomb" was slang for leaving a large turd in the Taco Bell urinal.

"The whole things is a huge misunderstanding. "Dirty bomb" is slang for leaving behind a giant turd in somebody else's toilet and not flushing it. It has nothing to do with explosives."

"I was talking to my buddy Bill on AOL Instant Messenger and said 'yeah, I plan to leave a dirty bomb at the Taco Bell I work at tomorrow. That will teach 'em who's boss.' The next thing I knew I was being whisked away in handcuffs."

"The worst thing I've ever done was take a shit in the chili at Taco Bell. So sue me! I have constipational rights you know! Who knew they were listening in on my AOL IM chats for God's sake!"

While in the Navy brig in which he was held for three years, Padilla says he was slapped across the face, kicked in the kidneys and reminded that he is an enemy combatant and has no rights other than the right to take a beating.

Although they seek a life sentence, prosecutors introduced no evidence of personal involvement by Padilla in planning or carrying out any specific terrorist plot or violent act other than crapping in a delicious bowl of Taco Bell chili.

Taco Bell officials promised to start serving food and beverages completely free of all urine and excrement within the next five years, and are debuting a new employee education program called "Just Say No to Pooping in the Food".

Taco Bell CEO Emil Brolick said, "Anyone found leaving dirty bombs in the bathroom or crapping in any of our food products will be declared an enemy combatant and beaten mercilessly, given a mock trial and thrown in dark jail cell for the rest of their life."

"Sorry, but it's just the price you have to pay for our freedoms and delicious deep fried tacos and shit free chili. It's something we just can't tolerate, and I'm sure the customers would all agree. A shit-free eatery is a quality eatery. There's no place for human excrement at Taco Bell."

Padilla also disclosed that he has peed in the cheese sauce, spat in the bean vat, and dipped his balls into the iced tea.

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