Study: Early Rising Bad For Heart

A recent Japanese government study has found that not only does early rising "suck", it can also have a negative impact on the heart.

"This early rising stuff is bullshit," said Miyoko Tagashi, an office drone in downtown Tokyo. "I'm tired all fucking day long. I need five cups of coffee just to make it through the morning without falling asleep with my head on my keyboard. This so-called ancient wisdom can kiss my ass!"

In light of the findings, Dr. Kanoti Sariku, a researcher with the Japanese Institute of Research, performed a study of 500 university students. "We found that our happiest students were the ones that got up around noon-ish and ate a slice of cold pizza from the fridge left over from last night's beer binge."

More disturbingly, however, the government study found that over 100 cases of hearts spontaneously exploding have been linked to getting up too early in the morning. Doctors recommend sleeping in as much as possible, calling in late to work when necessary.

"Look, you're not gonna get much out of your employees if their hearts are exploding left and right, so we recommend relaxing company late policies," said Hoshi Marashi, a government spokesperson.