Airline Customer Service In Tailspin

A recent survey reports that passenger satisfaction has taken a dramatic nose dive in recent months.

"I asked for extra peanuts, and the attendant stabbed me with a fork! What the fuck is up with that?" asked perplexed passenger Pete Pillbottom. "He finally did give them to me, but not after putting all of them in his mouth, then spitting them back into the bag."

"Those attendants...very surly...I asked where the gate was, and she punched me in the head!" complained frequent flyer Fred Filtspot.

"Yeah, first they told me to take off my shoes, then they ran that beeper thing...then my pants, shirt...soon i was but naked!" said a former supermodel who chose to remain anonymous. "Are they REALLY supposed to check under your breasts for bombs?"

I asked one of the attendants for a pillow and she leaned over with a big smile, told me to fuck off, and spit in my face," complained Jack Korna.

Another passenger related a similar story.

"Well, I asked for a pillow and he took one from the elderly lady next to me and threw it on my lap. Next thing I know, I'm in a slap-fight with the attendant and a 93-year-old invalid!"

"And when they brought the tray around with the meals they just tossed them from the cart like we were monkeys begging for peanuts...then they all retired to the back to play strip poker," sobbed a clearly traumatized John Pelinger.

Some customers have complained of missing items.

"Well, I had to take a flight to Dallas with a stopover in Denver. When I got on the Denver plane I realized I was missing my nice pink sweater," says Doreen Winkler. "When I got on the Dallas flight there was one of the same attendants...WEARING MY PINK SWEATER! He totally acted like he never saw me before! Jerk!"

During News Time USA's undercover investigation into these reports of customer turbulence, the following shocking remarks were heard over an airplane intercom:

"Attention passengers, this is your pilot. Who wants to do a loop-de-loop? Huh? HUH? WHO WANTS TO DO A LOOP-DE-LOOP?"

"But seriously folks, did you know blindness affects over 2 million Americans a year? Ha ha...just kiddin' again!"

"Folks, this is your captain. The shaking you're feeling is not due to the weather conditions...we've just lost our right engine...GOTCHA!"

Roger Kumquat, who represents the airline industry, returned News Time USA's call requesting an interview and yelled, "You and all the other cocksucking media fucks can kiss my fucking ass, you dirty whores!" before abruptly hanging up.