Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Bully Runs for Class President, Wins 100% of Votes

Billy Jenkins says he credits his win to hard work and perseverance, and says the "ruthless pummeling of fellow classmates and opponents during the election campaign was just an amazing coincidence."

"Yep, I won fair and square..and if anybody says different, I'd like to see 'em say it to my face! This school loves me for Christ's sake! They shower me with attention and money," he said as he pushed a 4th grader into a locker and laughed heartily.

"I've vowed to put a stop to bullies in the school!"

When told that he was pretty much the ONLY school bully, Jenkins said, "Exactly! And there won't be any more bullying as long as the students keep me as class president and pay my way to college. I'm no genius, but that seems like a win-win situation to me."

Jenkins also said that as class president he promises to put an end to wedgies, toilet head dunking, black eyes and gum in girls' hair.

"However, I still expect all your lunch money before 11am each day to help finance my reelection campaign," he said in his inaugural speech. "Thank you for voting for me, and have a wonderful day!"

The principal nervously agreed to uphold the boy's controversial win.

"That's one tough son-of-a-bitch right there. I wouldn't fuck with him, no sir."

In a related story, school "super geek" Elroy Snarf is expected to be released from the hospital in another 8 weeks.

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