Cheney Receives Extra Hearts As "Backups"

Vice-President Dick Cheney underwent surgery yesterday to replace the battery that powers the device that monitors his heart and produces a shock if an irregular heart rhythm is detected. As a precaution, surgeons also implanted two more of the devices, three pacemakers, and two baboon hearts.

Surgeon Phil Leggter said, "That's about the limit of what we could cram into Cheney's chest cavity. Now, with all these backup systems in place, Mr. Cheney shouldn't experience any heart failure ever again."

Cheney appeared in good health and high spirits as he addressed reporters after the procedure, although he seemed slightly dazed at one point.

"Ooh...wow, that feels weird," said Mr. Cheney. "Having all these damn heartbeats is going to take some getting used to. It's like there's a party in my chest and everyone's invited!"

Cheney then ran 20 laps around the hospital parking lot to demonstrate the success of the procedure.