Clinton Says All Enemies of Her Regime Would Be Nuked

After criticizing presidential hopeful Barack Obama's statement about the use of nuclear weapons against terrorist targets, fellow Democratic candidate Hillary Clinton held a press conference to further clarify her views on using nuclear force.

"Look, we're not living in some fucking fairy tale where everyone is dancing around in tights and singing the joys of living in the magical forest," she stated. "We're living a goddamn national nightmare in which terrorists lurk around every corner. In the war against terror, my policy would be 'nuke first, ask questions later'."

When asked how she would handle the diplomacy issues involved in launching a nuclear attack in a foreign country, she replied, "Diplomacy? Diplomacy? It's much too late for diplomacy. In the new Clinton Era, you either play ball or get crushed. Simple as that. I'll steamroll over any candy-ass who gets in my way. If you are against me, you're against the U.S. And if you're against the U.S., you're gonna swallow a big fat nuclear bomb, bitches!"

Mrs. Clinton then pulled out a baseball bat and swung it wildly at the podium, quickly reducing it to splinters before leaving the stage, her husband following meekly behind.