David Beckham's USA Debut

Contrary to the opinions of critics who say that David Beckham is past his prime, Beckham lived up to all the hype surrounding his move to the USA's Los Angeles Galaxy by scoring 27 times in five minutes during the team's exhibition match on Saturday.

His stellar performance immediately led to questions as to whether the soccer star is relying on performance-enhancing drugs to boost his performance during the last years of his career.

Beckham, who is totally bald, benches 350 pounds, and whose shoe size has increased from 11 to 14 says, "This talk of steroid use is completely and utterly unfounded. It's also very insulting. I train hard, like two or three times a week..something like that..I WISH YOU GUYS WOULD JUST GET OFF MY BACK!!!"

He then excused himself and ducked into a bathroom in order to "inject himself in the arse with sweet, sweet 'vitamin' goodness," slapping a reporter across the room along the way.

Beckham's trainer attributes his large size and violent mood swings to the amount of protein he is ingesting. "He eats like four to five live chickens a day, plus three to four protein shakes. Let's just say when he goes into the bathroom we know he's gonna squeeze out a clogger!"

Galaxy president Alexi Lalas said, "These allegations are ridiculous. Sure, he's transformed himself into a raging, hideous, hulking musclebound mass that now frightens small children instead of inspiring them to greatness. But David trains hard, and absolutely does NOT use any performance-enhancing chemicals."

Lalas then excused himself and ducked into the bathroom to see if "David needs any help injecting those 'vitamins' into his ass."