Gun Pried From Heston's Cold, Dead Hands

Actor Charlton Heston's gun was pried from his cold, dead hands as promised by the actor Monday as he was laid to rest in his Moses costume.

The mob of gun worshippers flooded the funeral home demanding Heston give up the gun as he had promised the crowd when he became the spokesman for the NRA. Billy Joe Dunphux claimed, "It's only fair...he did say we could have it when we pry it from his cold, dead hands."

The gun in question did indeed require some prying as several firemen and one hospital worker used the jaws of life to pry the gun from the diseased actor's hands. "Boy, howdy he did have some kind of a kung fu grip!" chuckled Ross Rosenburg, local fireman.

The gun will go on display at a local kindergarten school in Alabama Wednesday.

Punxsutawney Phil Found Dead in Tree Apartment

Punxsutawney Phil, famed groundhog and weather predictor, was found dead today of a suspected drug overdose. He was 46 years old.

A note was found on a bedstand, a portion of which follows:

"I am sick and tired of the human bastards who use me to predict their weather. Every day seems the same to me. I wake up, go outside, see my shadow, or not. Same shit. I'm tired of it all."

"I can't imagine why he would do such a thing," remarked upstairs neighbor "Punxutawney Gary", a squirrel who provides horoscopes for the local paper. "He had it all. Good job, fame, women. He was banging a really hot squirrel that lives downstairs. I just don't get it."

Punxsutawney Phil, whose real name was "Mr. Peepers", also found national fame starring opposite Bill Murray in the movie "Groundhog Day", but did not see one penny of residuals from the film. Some theorize this may have been another motive in his suicide.

"He won't be predicting winters anymore...not in this lifetime," said Punxatawney mayor Gregory Glandertall. "Where the fuck are we gonna find another weather-predicting groundhog?"