Scientists Find Pint-sized, Tasty, Meat-eating Dinosaur

WASHINGTON –Imagine a ferocious blood thirsty velociraptor like those in some block buster Hollywood special effects bonanza, but only as big as a modern chicken and amazingly more delicious! That's what Canadian researchers say they have found. Not only the smallest meat-eating dinosaur yet discovered in North America but possibly the most delicious in history. This pint-sized 4-to-5 pound dino, "probably hunted and ate whatever the hell it could for its size — insects, mammals, rocks, mud, shit...just about anything," according to Nathan Shortpoor of the University of Calgon. When asked how they knew the dino was "tasty", Nathan explained that if it walks like a chicken, looks like a chicken then it probably tasted like a chicken. Nathan and the other researchers at the university had yet to take their lunch breaks and had just smoked several pounds of marijuana when Newstime caught up to them. "Man, can you imagine this little guy in a light crispy batter with several herbs and spices!? Huh? Can you!! Dang! when is lunch again? Friggin' starvin' dude." Nathan groaned before taking off his lab coat and putting away his marijuana paraphernalia. "Just imagine if we can clone these li'l fellas! We can start our own fast food chain! I can only imagine how good they must taste."

One Dead in Kool-Aid Accident

LITTLE ROCK, Ark- One man is dead today after a freak traffic accident involving his 1991 VW bus and a sticky windshield full of dried Kool-Aid. Sources say the man's wife, who runs a daycare center, accidentally swapped his windshield wiper fluid with concentrated Kool-Aid. Authorities don't suspect foul play and say it was a case of extreme stupidity. The 34-year-old man was traveling down highway 440 when he went to use his wiper fluid. Instead of wiper fluid his windshield was instantly splattered with a thick red sticky film witch dried quickly and attracted a swarm of knats and dust, blinding the father of 12 and causing him to slam into a truck filled with rusty razor blades. Kool-Aid man could not be reached for comment.