Scientists Decode Most of Cat's DNA

Scientists have now decoded almost all of the DNA of the common feline, and have found an alarming lust for murder.

Your cat could be a ticking time bomb just waiting to slash your throat as you sleep," says Dr. Jake T. Powder of the Institute for Useless Studies. "Or cut open your eyes...even tear them out of their sockets. Slice open your gut and disembowel you...chew up your testicles. They really are quite intelligent and incredibly devious."

However scientists are still baffled at why the typical 'Mr. Whiskers' will shit in the litter box 98% of the time, yet leave the occassional 'Tootsie Roll' behind the couch.

"We think it may be a sign to other felines in the domicile," continued Dr. Powder. "It's as if to say: Hey, you, stay away. This is my human. Go find another two-legged meatsack to mutilate."

We contacted several area cats, none of whom agreed to comment on this story.

Korean Leaders Meet; Slapfight Ensues

Pyongyang, North Korea-- In a historic moment, the presidents of North and South Korea, Kim Jon Il and Roh Moo-hyun, met for the first time since World War II. However, it was evident things weren't going well when a brutal slapfight ensued between the two leaders.

"It was amazing!" said excited onlooker Bill Jones. "Kim Jon Il called Roh Moo-hyun a 'dirty, freedom-loving rice eater'. Then Moo-hyun called Jon Il a 'filthy, tyrannical rice eater'. Then all hell broke loose and Jon Il just slapped the living shit out of Moo-hyun. Everybody started laughing at first, because he hits like a girl!"

The laughter continued as Moo-hyun countered with his own girl-like slap, and a good-old- fashioned no-holds-barred slapfight began.

After several minutes, however, the laughter subsided as the violence of the confrontation escalated.

"It was horrible!" sobbed a distressed witness to the shenanigans. "After a time, you couldn't even recognize them anymore. Their faces had been turned into bloody pulps. They both refused to stand down and just continued slapping each other harder and harder. I can still hear the echoes of those slaps in my nightmares."

Eventually both men reached the point of exhaustion and collapsed to the ground. They were both rushed to the hospital with second degree slap wounds.

"This is a historic day for these two countries," remarked Chinese diplomat Moo Goo Gai Pan. "They've gone from war, to cold war, to slapping. It's real progress."

Iranian President "Scared Shitless"

New York City-- Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, who is scheduled to speak at Columbia University today, says he is "scared shitless" about the speaking engagement.

"Let's face it, I am considered an enemy of the state by your President Bush," said Ahmadinejad, wearing a helmet, body armor, gas mask, knee pads, and steel-toed boots. "For all I know there is a CIA sniper with his scope trained on my face right now," he continued, looking around nervously then ducking behind a chair.

Columbia's decision to host Ahmadinejad, who has said that Israel should be "wiped off the map", and whose country is accused of exporting terrorism and seeking to build nuclear weapons, has been criticized by many.

"I wish I could make the American pig-dogs, er, people understand," President Ahmadinejad sighed. "I'm just like you! I jumped for joy when Kelly Clarkston won on 'American Idol'. I cried on the anniversary of '9/11'. No, wait...I laughed like a drunk hyena. Scratch that. The point is, I'm a human being-- not a monster who is out to kill all the Jews and build bombs and rape little children! Now if you'll excuse me, I must make shit in pants now."

Ahmadinejad then ducked behind his interpreter, using her as a human shield as he carefully made his way to the restroom.

Bush Surprised By Greenspan Criticism

Washington-- President Bush is "pissed" at Alan Greenspan's criticisms in Greenspan's new book, the White House said Monday. In the book, Greenspan accuses Bush of squandering the nation's budget on wild parties and booze, among other improprieties.

Bush has challenged Greenspan to a no-holds-barred cage match to settle their differences.

"Why I'm gonna punch that ol' prune right in the balls!" Bush commented. "I thought me and Greeny were on the same page! Damn ol' bastard needs to shut his pie hole, goddamn him!"

Alan Greenspan, fighting under the name "The Green Tornado" threatened to "tear that hillbilly's head clean off and shit down his neck."

"I warned the president...I warned him that tax cuts for his rich buddies just wont fly...now I'm gonna take that sum bitch apart! TAKE HIM APART!"

Greenspan, although almost 148 years old, is said to still be a formidable grappler in the ring. Unable to perform high risk moves due to hip ailments, he is expected to resort to figure four legs locks, eye gouges, arm bar submission moves and dirty tricks. A mortician and casket will be ready ringside in the event of Greenspan's demise.

The match will be aired on C-Span later this week.

O.J. Robs Hotdog Stand At Gun Point

Las Vegas-- O.J. Simpson was arrested Monday for robbing a hot dog vendor of one delicious foot long hot dog, 100% beef, with relish, mustard, no catsup and jalapenos. Simpson claims he was just asking for what belongs to him.

"It's all one big misunderstanding" said Simpson. "All I said to the hot dog vendor was 'Give me a fucking hot dog or I'll slice your neck!' I was kidding! What? He can't take a joke?"

The hot dog vendor claims O.J. swung a bat with nails in it at him. O.J. claims the bat was just a big misunderstanding.

"I didn't swing a bat at him! I asked him if he wanted to touch it with his head. I always happen to carry a bat with nails...ski mask...gloves..hunting knife when I walk around Vegas. It's a dangerous town. You never know what dangerous criminal could spring out and rape you. "

Troops Coming Home

Washington-- President Bush yesterday said he was bringing the troops home...sort of.

Mr. Bush, who has asked to be referred to as “El PresidenteGrande'” from now on, said he was giving in to the pressures of the American people and bringing five troops home and redeploying some 500,000.

“O.K.! O.K.! The American people have spoken...and your El Presidente has heard your cries!” said Bush Wednesday. "I've ordered the gradual reduction in troop levels effective right away."

When pushed on just how many troops will be coming home Bush finally said “five”.

“We will begin bringing five lucky soldiers home every four weeks until all of our boys come home,” said Bush, to which the crowd responded with loud boos. “Before ya git your panties in a bunch let me finish, dag gum it! I'm also going to be sending our boys some entertainment this Christmas!” yelled El Presidente. “I will be sending 500,000 men what I like to call the entertainment core! That's right, 500,000 of my finest military entertainers...who also happen to be soldiers.”

When asked if this was just shuffling of numbers and words the President scratched his hind quarters, smelled his finger and remarked. “Huh?”

Airline Customer Service In Tailspin

A recent survey reports that passenger satisfaction has taken a dramatic nose dive in recent months.

"I asked for extra peanuts, and the attendant stabbed me with a fork! What the fuck is up with that?" asked perplexed passenger Pete Pillbottom. "He finally did give them to me, but not after putting all of them in his mouth, then spitting them back into the bag."

"Those attendants...very surly...I asked where the gate was, and she punched me in the head!" complained frequent flyer Fred Filtspot.

"Yeah, first they told me to take off my shoes, then they ran that beeper thing...then my pants, shirt...soon i was but naked!" said a former supermodel who chose to remain anonymous. "Are they REALLY supposed to check under your breasts for bombs?"

I asked one of the attendants for a pillow and she leaned over with a big smile, told me to fuck off, and spit in my face," complained Jack Korna.

Another passenger related a similar story.

"Well, I asked for a pillow and he took one from the elderly lady next to me and threw it on my lap. Next thing I know, I'm in a slap-fight with the attendant and a 93-year-old invalid!"

"And when they brought the tray around with the meals they just tossed them from the cart like we were monkeys begging for peanuts...then they all retired to the back to play strip poker," sobbed a clearly traumatized John Pelinger.

Some customers have complained of missing items.

"Well, I had to take a flight to Dallas with a stopover in Denver. When I got on the Denver plane I realized I was missing my nice pink sweater," says Doreen Winkler. "When I got on the Dallas flight there was one of the same attendants...WEARING MY PINK SWEATER! He totally acted like he never saw me before! Jerk!"

During News Time USA's undercover investigation into these reports of customer turbulence, the following shocking remarks were heard over an airplane intercom:

"Attention passengers, this is your pilot. Who wants to do a loop-de-loop? Huh? HUH? WHO WANTS TO DO A LOOP-DE-LOOP?"

"But seriously folks, did you know blindness affects over 2 million Americans a year? Ha ha...just kiddin' again!"

"Folks, this is your captain. The shaking you're feeling is not due to the weather conditions...we've just lost our right engine...GOTCHA!"

Roger Kumquat, who represents the airline industry, returned News Time USA's call requesting an interview and yelled, "You and all the other cocksucking media fucks can kiss my fucking ass, you dirty whores!" before abruptly hanging up.

Britney Spears Embarasses Self By Appearing Healthy, Non-Anorexic

Britney Spears' performance at the MTV VMA awards has become a hot topic in the entertainment world.

"Yeah, I saw Britney last night at the VMA's she was HUGE...like 120 pounds or something!" said Paris Hilton. "What a porker! I couldn't even see her ribs!"

We caught up with the Olsen twins in the bathroom toilet after chucking up their dinners. "Yeah, I'm really worried for her health. Being that big isn't good for you."

Britney is receiving plenty of diet advice from friends like Keira Knightley. "Well for breakfast she should eat half a piece of toast and some water. For lunch I have one Tic-Tac and half a peanut. For dinner...well, I usually just skip dinner."

In contrast, a News Time USA poll indicated that 98% of the men who responded said they would 'love to fuck the living shit out of her'. The other 2% were gay.

Bush Says New Album a Reminder of Danger

Australia-- President Bush said Obama Bin Laden's mention of the Iraq war in his new music album is a reminder of al-Quesadillas long-term
objectives in Austria.

The president was corrected several times,
reminded that it is "Osama", not "Obama", as well as "al-Qaeda" not
"al-Quesadillas" and the war is in Iraq...not Austria.

Despite being corrected, the president continued to ramble.

"Iraq is part of this war against contortionists. If al-Qwaida
bothers to mention the war in Africa (meaning Iraq) right now,
they want to achieve their objections which is to drive us out."

"The tape is a reminder about the dangerous universe in which we
live, and it's a reminder that we must work together to protect our people against the Martian invaders who murder the innocent in order to achieve their political objectivityness."

The President spoke during a photo opportunity. Onlookers where hard
pressed to figure out just what the hell the president was trying
to say. After the speech the president walked off stage in the
wrong direction and fell some 20 feet flat on his face. After
lying motionless for more than a minute, he sprang up and claimed
that "he meant to to that."

Jack B. Nimble reporting.

"Osama the Butcher" Strikes Again

CAIRO, Egypt-- Bin Laden is back. The terrorist has apparently recorded an album called "Osama Butchers American Hits." The Department of Homeland Security said Thursday that this was the single worst attack on American pop culture since Milli Vanilli. The new album has Bin Laden covering such songs as, "America" by Neil Diamond, "Sunshine on My Shoulders" by John Denver and "Start Me Up" by the Rolling Stones among 10 others.

Homeland Security Spokesman Russ Knocke said the album was available for download from iTunes.

"This man has done some sickening things...but this...this is an unspeakable act of terror!" said Knocke.

The album cover depicts Bin Laden on the cover holding a guitar, his beard died jet black.

"I'll never be able to listen to Cheryl Crow's "All I Want To Do Is Have Some Fun" ever again with out seeing that sick bastard! I can't get it out of my mind!" said Gordon Johndoe, a spokesman for the National Security Council at the White House.

The album also includes a few bonus tracks including covers of "The Muppet Show" and "Sesame Street" theme songs.

We asked Steve Jobs why iTunes was carrying the album he said, "Well, whataya gonna do?"

Study: Early Rising Bad For Heart

A recent Japanese government study has found that not only does early rising "suck", it can also have a negative impact on the heart.

"This early rising stuff is bullshit," said Miyoko Tagashi, an office drone in downtown Tokyo. "I'm tired all fucking day long. I need five cups of coffee just to make it through the morning without falling asleep with my head on my keyboard. This so-called ancient wisdom can kiss my ass!"

In light of the findings, Dr. Kanoti Sariku, a researcher with the Japanese Institute of Research, performed a study of 500 university students. "We found that our happiest students were the ones that got up around noon-ish and ate a slice of cold pizza from the fridge left over from last night's beer binge."

More disturbingly, however, the government study found that over 100 cases of hearts spontaneously exploding have been linked to getting up too early in the morning. Doctors recommend sleeping in as much as possible, calling in late to work when necessary.

"Look, you're not gonna get much out of your employees if their hearts are exploding left and right, so we recommend relaxing company late policies," said Hoshi Marashi, a government spokesperson.

Popcorn Fumes Dangerous, Addictive

The latest way among teens to get high? Smoking popcorn. Popular because it's legal, and leaves them smelling like fresh buttered popcorn. And who doesn't love the smell of fresh buttered popcorn?

Mary Jane Wigsworth, of the watchdog group Parents Against Popcorn said, "When asked by their parents where they've been all night, they say 'the movies', and the parents believe it. Little do they know that little Johnny has been in a popcorn den getting high as a kite. "

The discovery was made late last week when one teen, a non-smoker, was found to have contracted lung cancer. When surgeons opened his lungs they smelled like a movie theater.

"Well it all started one night after I popped a bag of Orville Redenbacher's. I breathed in the fumes and I was hooked. I got my friends to try it and all of a sudden we were loading it into bongs, pipes, joints...whatever. Some guys even snort it."

Blaine Watson loved popcorn so much he ate it for every meal for 10 years, often covering the bag and himslef with a blanket just to inhale the popcorn fumes.

"I'd stuff my pillows with old popcorn and sleep on it...stuff it in my pants, rub it in my hair...I just can't get enough microwave popcorn! When the doctors told me I had popcorn lung I was devastated. Then I said...wait...what the hell is popcorn lung? The doctors explained it to me as I munched on some movie theater style popcorn I scammed from the hospital vending machine."

He realized he was hooked. "It wasn't just the smell....I was actually getting high on the fumes."

"Some nights it's all I can think about...I crave it...want to make love to it...want to BE IT! It's like...crack," Mr. Watson stammered, shoving handfuls of popcorn into his already full mouth.

Soon, his son Billy picked up the habit from a group of teens pushing bags of Movie Time popcorn on the corner.

Mr. Watson knew his son was in trouble when he found him in his room passed out face down in a bowl of Jiffy Pop. "But i thought nothing of it...until he put on the cape and tried to fly like Superman off our roof. While he was in the hospital, I searched his room and found his stash...Jiffy Pop with...extra butter flavoring," he sobbed.

The FDA says it is currently investigating the matter and will consider putting warning labels on all bags of microwave popcorn.

Suckers Who Bought iPhones Out 200 Bucks

This week Apple announced that it is cutting the price of its iPhone by 200 dollars. The price reduction was too much too soon, some bitched.

Steve Jobs laughed, “What a bunch of bufoons! 500 bucks for a phone? I just wanted to see how many hard core Apple retards were out there, and apparently it's raining morons! Thanks, suckers!” Jobs said as he lit a cigar with a 100 dollar bill.

“Oh, by the way, next week we will be releasing the 900 dollar iPod..better get in line now!” Jobs said, barely able to retain his composure.

Ned Needlejerk of New Jersey said he was furious. “I waited outside the Apple store for a month! Ate beans and grasshoppers every night to survive, as well as braved torrential rains just to buy this plastic piece of shit! How could Apple do this to me? This cheap paperweight depreciated faster than my Ford Focus!”

When asked if he was going to buy one of the newer 900 dollar iPods Needlejerk said, “Hell yeah! I'll be getting in line tomorrow night! What are the odds of something like this happening again? Ooh, i just can't wait!!”

Jobs announced several other Apple products this week. The iSpoon, a music playing spoon, a music playing vacume cleaner branded the iSuck and a 500 dollar Apple-branded rock called uIdiot.

President Crybaby

Washington--

President Bush told Robert Draper, the author of a new book on his presidency, that he cries 'a hell of a lot'.

“I try not to wear my worries on ma sleeve, or pants leg or any other part of my apparel,” said Bush. “I cry a hell of a lot! I cry at weddings, funerals, bar mitzvahs, PTA night, large sales events, spilt milk, spilt orange juice. Hell, I cried when they shot ol' Yeller. Damn...that poor dog.” the President paused for a moment, sniffling slightly. “Sorry, that was just a dag gum sad movie. Ma wife won't let me watch it anymore 'cause I git so dag gum torn up over the endin,." Bush sputtered.

Bush broke down into tears when he recalled his drinking days and how “gawd” helped him stop. “I wouldn't be head honcho if I were still suckin, down grandma's cough medicine. I haven't had a drink in 20 minutes...err...I mean 20 years!” Bush continued to sniffle.

When asked what he planned to do after is presidency, Bush remarked, “I want to replenish the ol' coffers makin' ridiculous money on the lecture circuit like ma buddy Billy Boy! [referring to President Clinton]! Problem is, I can't go more than 30 minutes with out cryin' like a baby for his mother's tit."

Chinese Desperate for Lead-Free Paint Formula

It has been reported that a Pentagon computer system was compromised yesterday by a Chinese hacker evidently looking for the formula to create lead-free paint.

Similar computer break-ins were discovered at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory, Los Alamos, and the Sherwin Williams corporate headquarters.

An official with the Pentagon said, "We just don't understand it. Lead-free paint is readily available on the open market. Why they are secretly looking for ways to synthesize it is beyond me. Hell, I'll buy 'em a couple of cans to get 'em started."

When asked why they don't simply buy the lead-free paint, a Chinese official said, "Shut up, dirty capitalist pig! We need no paint from the round-eye Westerners! We make our own! The Communist way! We don't buy what we can make in the sweatshops of Beijing!"

Other formulas that may have been compromised include Chicken McNuggets, the Colonel's secret recipe, and Campbell's chicken soup.

Midler Kills and Eats Endangered Species in Hawaii

After a recent incident in which Bette Midler cut down 250 trees on her Kauai retreat and was fined $6500 for not having the correct permits, Midler was caught hunting and eating the rare Pookie monkey last week.

Her attorney said Midler will pay the $50,000 fine and says she is sorry for eating the delicious little fellows.

The actress claims that she didn't realize the monkeys were extremely endangered and apologized for sauteeing them in a delicious mushroom and gravy sauce.

Midler's attorney said, "It's another unfortunate mistake that probably won't happen again."

Midler is set to replace Celine Dion, who has never eaten monkeys, as a headline performer in Las Vegas.

Adult Psychedelic Drug OK'd For Kids

The FDA has recently approved the use of psychedelic drugs by children.

The new drug comes in a tie-dyed style bottle and a free Greatful Dead CD.

"We felt it was time to introduce a new generation to psychedelia, bongs, free love, sit-ins, paranoia and free love. Wait...did I say 'free love' twice? Wow, man, I'm fried!" commented Dr. Hash Stevens of the FDA.

"We test all kinds of good shit here at the FDA man..and this one is definitely approved. APPROVED FOR PARTY TIME, MAN!"

The makers recommend adding a drop or two of the substance to babies' bottles to get them used to the experience. The hope is that if they are slowly introduced to it, they will see visions of unicorns and rainbows rather than alligators, demons, and giant mutant spiders which would "ruin the trip, man".

"Back in the 60's there was no ADD or crap like that man, and the FDA, through experimentation, has found it's the lack of psychedelic drugs and love that makes kids all nutso these days," said Stevens.

"That and TV. TV is fuckin' evil, man! I used to just spend hours staring at my black light posters for amusment. 300-something channels hurts my head dude! Besides, I have 1000 worlds inside my mind, man! Why would I need TV?"

The new Drug will be market by Phizer under the brand name "Li'l Johnny Trippin'", and is expected to retail for $39.95 a bottle.

It will also be available for five proofs of purchase from Cap'n Crunch boxes plus $2.50 postage and handling.

Please allow six months to two years for delivery.

Kung Fu Monks Beaten Up By Mr. Bonkers the Ninja

Beijing--

China's Shaolin Temple, home of the world's finest Chinese Kung Fu and recalled toys has demanded an apology from an unknown Internet user by the name of “Shinobi1991” who said its monks had once been beaten silly by a Japanese Ninja named Mr. Bonkers.

When reminded that in many countries free speech allows for such comments, and that the user is probably a 12 year old pimple-faced punk, the monks punched this reporter in the mouth and remarked, "Put THAT in your free speech blog!"

"We could give a rat's ass about free speech! This is China, baby! Anybody who thinks they can talk trash about the Shaolin Monks is gonna get a foot up his ass! 'Cause that's just how we roll in da ST, yo!"

Suddenly from a giant cloud of swirling pink smoke appeared a purple Ninja calling himself “Mr. Bonkers” who proceeded to kick the ever lovin' crap out of the 12 Shaolin Monks giving the interview.

Shinobi1991 could not be reached for comment.

Idaho Senator Fond of Man Meat?

It is being reported that Idaho Senator Larry Craig pleaded guilty to a misdemeanor charge in connection with a complaint concerning his alleged "lewd conduct" in a men's restroom in a Minneapolis airport.

Mr. Craig says the rumors now swirling around him are completely false. "I am not a pole smoker, and have never been a pole smoker," said the senator in a press conference. "I am not, nor have I ever been a cock grabber, ball sniffer, or packer of fudge!" he screamed defiantly at the crowd that gathered to witness his histrionics.

"The only thing I am guilty of is beating my wife, laundering thousands of dollars of campaign contributions, and huffing on a pipe full of meth now and again. But I have never, I repeat never fondled a man's scrotum or taken it up the rear!"

He then ended the press conference abruptly, yelled "Buy Idaho" repeatedly at the top of his lungs, and threw dozens of enormous Russet potatoes at the crowd, knocking one onlooker unconscious when a potato ricocheted of his forehead.

Yahoo! Adds New Features To Messaging Services

Grandma Chat
Randomly chooses senior citizen to chat with

Enemy List
Similar to "buddy list"

Lonely Guy's Email
Send a random cheery email to yourself every few hours

Graph Editor
Lets you plot your emails in 3D space

Reply To None Button

Yahoo! Echo Chamber
Lets you leave messages with an echo effect

Reply To Self Button

PetMail
Send emails to your pets

Decompose Button

Forward Spam Button

SETI-Mail
Send greetings to life on other worlds

List By I.Q. Filter

Mark As Blue Button

Mayan Calendar

Return To Sender: Insufficient Postage Button

Man's Penis Becomes Torch

The Moscow press is reporting that a woman set her ex-husband's penis on fire. Due to the high cost of housing in Moscow, the couple, although divorced, still occupy the same apartment. According to the victim, Vladimir Vadavich, the attack was completely unwarranted.

"I do not know what I did to deserve. It was very painful. Was like tiny candle burning in wind. Then bitch lit cigarette with it, cackling like dirty whore she is!"

"I try blow out, but keep flaming back on...it hurt very bad. I try hard to pee...put out flames. But shit in pants instead! Finally, I stuff in her mouth to extinguish."

I say, "You happy now? I have burned cock and you have burned mouth! You sorry bitch whore!"

"It smell like hot dog barbeque, but with burned pubic hair smell mixed. Do you like hot dogs, Mr. Newsman? Because I sure as hell do not!"

"Why you laugh? You think burned penis is laughing matter? When try to ejaculate...much pain, much pain. I drink lots vodka...to dull pain...and when try to make pee, flames shoot out."

"Now if excuse, I go rub lotion on my wiener."

A few minutes later, Mr. Vadavich emerged from the bathroom and continued the interview pantless, his genitals covered in a white lotion-like substance.

"She big fat bitch! I threaten to take away her potato chips. Also, I no longer leave matches around house. Then Vladimir tell her will light up her nipples. I think that scare her, but I still afraid to fall sleep at night."

"Why she make the fire on my pee-pee? Why? Fire and pee-pee's do not go together!"

He then broke down sobbing, rocking slowly in his chair.

Chinese Recalls on the Rise

In a stunning development that serves as a crushing blow to China's standing in the International community, over 73 Chinese manufactured and exported products have been recalled in recent days. They include:

"Catch It All" condoms, which contain sulphuric acid and have been known to sear away the first layer of skin on the penis

"Dinnertime Deluxe" brand plates, which shatter on contact with food

Kerosene-soaked, used baby bottle nipples, sold under various brand names

"Doh-Nuts" brand donuts made from sawdust and plastic-based chocolate

"Super Protector UV Knight" brand sunglasses that actually pass an inordinate amount of extra UV light instead of blocking it, and which has been blamed for numerous cases of burned retinas, smoking corneas, and even spontaneous combustion of the eyeball.

"They actually seem to amplify the sun's rays and focus them directly into the eye. How they managed to fuck that up, I'll never know," says optometrist Dr. LeRoy Gristich.

"Mr. StinkFinger" brand toilet paper that seems to contain high levels of recycled glass which appears to serve no function, and has led to several outbreaks of rectal lacerations in emergency rooms across the country. The toilet paper is actually a type of fiberglass which can lead to extremely itchy rectums and allergic reactions.

"Super Juicy Time" apple juice containing alarming levels of bull urine

"Crystal Springtime Oh-So-Clean" brand bottled water apparently containing high levels of mercury and cow feces.

"Lets just say it ain't 'oh-so-clean', as the label claims, says disturbed scientist and bottled water aficionado Dr. John Petralin. "You open this shit up and it smells like raw sewage! In fact, we suspect the bottling plant is adjacent to one of China's largest waste recycling plants."

"Mr. Wong's Oh-So-Yummy" coffee, which apparently contains no actual coffee. "We still aren't exactly sure what chemicals are used to make this stuff," says Dr. Petralin. "The distressing thing is that it smells like ground-up crayons and glows in the dark. I'm afraid to be in the same room with it, actually."

Chinese officials had no comment on the newest round of recalls, and over 37 Chinese executives have committed suicide in the wake of the announcements. The remaining responsible executives are to be rounded up and burned at the stake tomorrow afternoon on Chinese state television.

Hurricane Dean Downgraded, Renamed "Hurricane Weenie"

Hurricane Dean, which was expected to be a mighty storm ready to thrash Texas with mighty winds and uproot thousands of trailers and pink flamingos, has apparently lost steam. The once mighty winds have been renamed Hurricane Weenie.

President Bush expressed his disappointment in the situation stating, "Dag gum carn sarn it, I was dang sure ready to send troops, bottled water and chewin' tobacky down home to make up fer that Katrina fuck up I dern did!"

"It's just mighty dag nab disappointin' when we can git ourselves a good ol' whopper of a hurricane a hootin' and a hollerin' down there in Texas, and it just done does peters out on ya," Bush griped almost incoherently.

News Time USA caught up with Hurricane Weenie to ask why the sudden lack of enthusiasm when moving to trash one of the largest states in the Union?

"Well, I don't know...after Mexico I kinda felt...well...whats the point? The place already looks like a dump anyway...if anything it would be an improvement. Anyway, I've been considering a career change. Maybe a tornado? Or just a light thunderstorm? Being a hurricane is overrated anyway...too much competition."

NBC’s Top Executives: “We’re shit out of ideas”

NBC executives have recently released their fall lineup to the press. Here’s a sneak-peek at what you’ll see this fall on NBC:

Who Wants to Become a Giant?

Reality Show
A reality show about the making of a reality show.

Guess Which Hand It’s In!

Law & Order: 90210

Law & Order: Old West

Law & Order: Deep Space 2034

Law & Order: Special Education Unit
Undercover officer disguises himself as a retarded child to infiltrate a gang of mentally retarded crack dealers.

Seagal Says FBI Probe Ruined "Career"

Seagal was implicated by the FBI for allegedly hiring a "private investigator to the stars" to frighten two journalists out to give him bad press. The private investigator was convicted, but Seagal was never publicly cleared of the charges. Seagal says this is what ruined his "film career".

The FBI says Seagal's amateurish acting and piss-poor karate moves ruined his "career".

The 56-year-old Seagal, who was once a major star with #1 pictures, now makes direct to DVD tripe such as Return to Nevereverland, I Break Your Neck and Ken and Barbie's Wild Adventure, which is only available by sending in three proofs of purchase from packages of Barbie products. Seagal says he is working on a sequel to all his movies called, Steven Seagal: Hard to Kill Because He's out for Justice and Marked for Death while being under Seige and on Deadly Ground. The sequel will be direct to VHS and shot on super 8. "Its kind of a retro thing I'm doing..kind of a solo project.. I direct, star, edit...everything!...OH GOD...WHY!!?" Seagal then broke into tears and punched himself in the mouth repeatedly to comfort himself.

"If I WAS involved in this case I'd have that fucking FBI agent who's been following me around shot in the head and thrown in the river...IF I was involved."

"That is if i could get my big fat ass out of this chair...damn it...stuck...can you help me?"

Seagal can often be found on Hollywood corners trying to sell autographed pictures for $20.

"What the fuck am I supposed to do? I have a mortgage...car payment...DON'T JUDGE ME!!!"

"Once had everything going for him. Number one movies, married to a hot wife. It's pathetic," says FBI agent Mac Johnson. "Seagal still wears a ridiculous pony tail and spray paints his balding scalp black. I'd say he was a ghost of his former self, but that would be a lie. He was always a flabby, out-of-shape, fake karate man."

At one point during News Time USA's interview, Seagal attempted a roundhouse kick, pulling his groin and flatulating loudly before crumbling to the floor.

"Little help?" he uttered, clutching his groin.

Seagal then crawled across the floor muttering, "I'll kill you...I'll kill you and your whole family...I know people...buy my book...thank you..."

Movies Opening This Weekend

In an astonishing display of Hollywood's lack of creativity, three sequels from the same franchise are being released this weekend:

Friday the 13th: The Day Before Saturday
It's a mad dash against time as Jason tries to finish his killing spree before Saturday and the start of his vacation to Disneyworld. Join Mickey, Goofy and the gang as they try to keep Jason's attention on enjoying the attractions instead of ending up victims of a brutal slaying! Featuring the song "Let's Don't Kill Again" by pop superstar Linda Rondstadt.

Next Friday the 13th
Chris Tucker is back as Smokey as he teams up with Jason to kill as many homies in the hood and smoke as much dope as is humanly possible! If you thought "Next Friday" was funny, and even if you didn't, you MUST see "Next Friday the 13th"!

Friday the 13th: Jason vs. Spock
This summer...the gang from the starship Enterprise is back and battling the sinister Jason. Can Spock's superior intellect and Vulcan judo overcome Jason's machete? Or will the Captain's bridge become a cesspool of blood? Guest starring Elvira, Donald Trump, and the ghost of Don Knotts.

Local Idiot Changes Name To "Apple iPod"

Grant Fedinshan, Dayton, OH resident and local idiot has legally changed his name to "Apple i. Pod".

"I'm a big fan of the iPod. I also thought it would be a great icebreaker at parties and a great way to meet chicks," said Mr. Pod, who dresses in all-white outfits including a t-shirt with an image of the digital audio device on the front. "I had no idea of the trouble I'd gotten myself into."

When Apple president and CEO Steve Jobs was informed of the incident, he immediately dispatched a detachment of Apple iTroops to track down and detain Mr. Pod.

"One day I'm skipping down the street, listening to 'The Carpenters' Greatest Hits' on my iPod, and the next thing I know a white van with the Apple logo on the side pulls up next to me and three goons pull me inside and speed off," Mr. Pod said, tearing up. "I was told I was in big trouble and was going to meet with 'The Big Apple'."

"The Big Apple" turned out to be Mr. Jobs.

"I was taken into a very brightly-lit white room, stripped naked, and tied to a white translucent chair that glows blue when you sit on it, " recounted Mr. Pod. "I then had electrodes attached to my nipples and scrotum and saw Mr. Jobs enter the room through a sliding door. He was holding some sort of wireless device in his hand."

After three hours of electric torture, during which Mr. Jobs said absolutely nothing, but uttered an eerie, guttural laugh every few minutes, Mr. Pod was told he would "be allowed" to keep his new name, but would be subject to a licensing fee of 25% of his income annually.

"I guess I'd better go find a job...and fast," sobbed Mr. Pod. "My nutsack still burns. It...burns..."

He then trailed off and his eyes glazed over, at which point he curled up in the fetal position on the floor shaking uncontrollably.

Details Emerge About Padilla Terrorism Case

As closing arguments in the trial of suspected "dirty bomber" Jose Padilla, some shocking details have emerged about the case.

For his part, Padilla told military interrogators that he never intended to carry out the plan. The former Taco Bell employee said he planned to shit in the Taco Bell chili to get back at fat greedy Americans and that the "dirty bomb" was slang for leaving a large turd in the Taco Bell urinal.

"The whole things is a huge misunderstanding. "Dirty bomb" is slang for leaving behind a giant turd in somebody else's toilet and not flushing it. It has nothing to do with explosives."

"I was talking to my buddy Bill on AOL Instant Messenger and said 'yeah, I plan to leave a dirty bomb at the Taco Bell I work at tomorrow. That will teach 'em who's boss.' The next thing I knew I was being whisked away in handcuffs."

"The worst thing I've ever done was take a shit in the chili at Taco Bell. So sue me! I have constipational rights you know! Who knew they were listening in on my AOL IM chats for God's sake!"

While in the Navy brig in which he was held for three years, Padilla says he was slapped across the face, kicked in the kidneys and reminded that he is an enemy combatant and has no rights other than the right to take a beating.

Although they seek a life sentence, prosecutors introduced no evidence of personal involvement by Padilla in planning or carrying out any specific terrorist plot or violent act other than crapping in a delicious bowl of Taco Bell chili.

Taco Bell officials promised to start serving food and beverages completely free of all urine and excrement within the next five years, and are debuting a new employee education program called "Just Say No to Pooping in the Food".

Taco Bell CEO Emil Brolick said, "Anyone found leaving dirty bombs in the bathroom or crapping in any of our food products will be declared an enemy combatant and beaten mercilessly, given a mock trial and thrown in dark jail cell for the rest of their life."

"Sorry, but it's just the price you have to pay for our freedoms and delicious deep fried tacos and shit free chili. It's something we just can't tolerate, and I'm sure the customers would all agree. A shit-free eatery is a quality eatery. There's no place for human excrement at Taco Bell."

Padilla also disclosed that he has peed in the cheese sauce, spat in the bean vat, and dipped his balls into the iced tea.

Mattel Promotes Lead-Based Toys

Mattel is being criticized for its latest marketing campaign aimed at children which promotes the positive benefits of a diet high in lead.

"This is nothing more than a spin campaign by Mattel to sell the millions of dollars worth of toys they have in their warehouses that are full of dangerous lead," said CDC spokesman Dan Dingleberry.

Mattel spokesman and promotions CEO Michael Peanek said that was nonsense. "Out latest studies show lead is another important mineral in a growing child's diet, just like iron! Kids need more lead and Mattel is here to help!"

"In fact, we are introducing new Hotwheels cars called Lead Racers and Barbie Lead Foot."

The new Mattel Packaging now states in a big purple and yellow sticker "NOW WITH MORE LEAD!"

Mattel claims that blood levels of lead are at a 30-year low and many children are in danger of becoming too smart.

"Without the lead in their toys children will become dangerously intelligent and try to take over the world..have you ever seen 'Village of the Damned'? Well neither have I, but I understand it's pretty scary."

Mattel claims that more lead can have some positive side effects such as low appetite, lethargy and irritability.

"Kids are obese these days. Lead can help curb that appetite as well as calm kids with ADD making them lethargic."

"As far as the irritability is concerted, thats nothing our Tickle Me Batman can't cure!"

"Hey, if the parents don't like it, don't buy our toys! Yeah, good luck. After 30 minutes of your kid screaming and crying...you'll be back....you'll be back".

He then began cackling evilly and screamed, "Mattel owns your asses! Batman, G.I. Joe, Barbie...whataya gonna do? Huh? We've got the best toys! So your kids are gonna eat lead and like it!

The announcement comes on the heels of Mattel's controversial release of "My First Nuclear Submarine", containing real plutonium.

Carl Rove to Star in Production of Young Frankenstein

Carl Rove has left the White House to star in an off-Broadway production of Young Frankenstein. After seeing Rove dance at a recent White House event the director thought Rove had just the right amount of creepiness and humor needed for such a quirky role.

"I watched what I thought was supposed to be dancing by Rove and thought, 'Wow, he dances like a corpse!'. He also has a kind of Peter Boyle look about him. I wondered if he'd be interested in the part, and approached him about it. To my surprise he was!"

"We've been courting him for several months now trying to work out the details of his contract. It's been very hush-hush. One thing about Rove-- he sure as hell can keep a secret!"

Rove said in a statement, "I can't wait to don the make-up and do 'Puttin' on theRitz'! I haven't gotten this worked up since I was beaten up by the girl next door! This will show her! THIS WILL SHOW ALL OF YOU!"

"Yes...soon....soon the Republican party will be reborn...REBORN ON BROADWAY..from there we will move on to Hollywood! Once we have Hollywood, then the world will take us seriously again!"

He then began to cackle wildly as he draped a black cloak around his body and dissapeared in a shroud of smoke.

Movies Opening This Weekend

My Pal Nerbert
The zany misadventures of a little boy and his pet slug, who teach each other the true meaning of friendship.

Honey, I Shot the Kids
The hilarious misadventures of a former mob boss turned house husband.

Where the Fuck Are We?
The wild misadventures of a Chinese family who get lost in New York City on vacation and have to race the clock to make it back home...or be enslaved by a Chinese Circus!

I Was a Comedian Zombie
The side-splitting misadventures of a struggling comedian who wants to make you laugh...and eat your brain!

Diet Drug Blamed For Increased Shitting of Pants

The new diet pill known as "Alli", that produces side effects including "anal leakage", has been blamed for the soaring number of reports of spontaneous and explosive diarrhea across the nation.

"Well, I was just standing in line at the Wal-Mart, buying a 3-month supply of Alli, when all of a sudden I felt this...rumbling in my stomach," stated morbidly obese Luther Drolingson. "That's when it happened..." he continued, teary-eyed. "I spewed diarrhea all over the inside of my drawers, and it dripped down my legs and onto the floor. And imagine my embarrassment when I heard someone calling for a mop on register 5 over the PA system, and noticed everyone look over to see what had happened. I would've run out of there if my knees and ankles could properly support my enormous weight."

Wal-Mart managers have seen the need to spend more money hiring additional cleaning staff in the wake of the recent incidents.

"It's pretty much a necessity, "says Wal-Mart manager Hank Uterinesky. "I don't know about you, but seeing a large pool of liquid poo on the floor wouldn't exactly spark my desire to buy an LCD television or the latest Bratz doll for my kid. In fact, we've had multiple instances of both diarrhea attacks and mass vomiting occurring simultaneously, which really increases the demand of a good 'mop man'."

When asked how he would deal with the increased expense of cleanup crews, Mr. Uterinesky replied, "Well, we can always cut our employees benefits even further, or lower their wages. There are always options."

He then winked at a fellow manager, 'high-fived' him, then strolled away toward his office, sidestepping a pile of shit on the way.

In response to the recent public incidents of anal leakage, the company that manufactures and markets Alli now plans to include a special "anal cork" in every box.

Mexicans Sending Less Money Home

Economic analysts say that money sent back to Mexico and other Latin American countries by Latino workers to their families has drastically decreased in recent months. The major reason? The lure of American luxuries.

"I'd like to help out my mother and father back in Mexico," said long-time U.S. resident Pedro Picopiedra. "But FUCK! These XBOX 360 games are expensive! And with the new Halo coming out...It'll be a while before my family sees ANY more cash."

Joaquin Fernandez expressed a similar sentiment.

"After my house payment, car payment, the money I spend daily at Starbucks, and my multiple subscriptions to porn websites, there's just not enough money left to send home," he lamented. "I barely have enough left over every month to spend on my wardrobe. I can't dress like a hobo and expect to get laid every weekend! I guess I could have my maid come in one day less a week, and be able to send some money back home. Maybe."

Mexico's economy relies heavily on remittances from Latinos living in the U.S.

"Sure, we could find ways to boost our industries, increase our exports, and thereby decrease our dependency on these...how you say... "remittances"... flowing into Mexico from the U.S.," said Mexico's Finance Minister Juan Teclado. "But it's so much easier just to sit back and do nothing. Or better yet, lie back in a hammock and do nothing."

He then excused himself, explaining it was time for his three-hour siesta.

38 Million Vehicles Recalled Due To Faulty Cupholders

Ford has recalled 38 million vehicles that have faulty cupholders, a company spokesman said. Customers are complaining that the cupholders are not well suited to support the enormous weight of the new 3 liter jumbo drinks sold at various fast food chains.

"Well I done pulled into Mickey D's t'uther day and got me one of them there huge drinks. Damn cup holder just done gave out on me. I spilt ma dang soda all over the floor. Next thing ya know I wrapped my truck around a fence post!" said Alabama resident and local crank Luke Farnsworthy.

"My fucking jumbo size Diet Coke won't fit in the fuckin' cupholder!" fumed John Fudinker, Chicago resident and area asshole. "So I have to hold the fucking thing between my legs. By the time I get to work my fucking nuts are frozen fucking SOLID!"

Angry protesters stood outside Ford Motor Company's world headquarters Friday throwing plastic cups and chanting racial slurs for no apparent reason.

Ford says every vehicle they produce will now feature metal cupholders capable of supporting beverages up to 13 inches in diameter and weighing up to 35 pounds.

Clinton Says All Enemies of Her Regime Would Be Nuked

After criticizing presidential hopeful Barack Obama's statement about the use of nuclear weapons against terrorist targets, fellow Democratic candidate Hillary Clinton held a press conference to further clarify her views on using nuclear force.

"Look, we're not living in some fucking fairy tale where everyone is dancing around in tights and singing the joys of living in the magical forest," she stated. "We're living a goddamn national nightmare in which terrorists lurk around every corner. In the war against terror, my policy would be 'nuke first, ask questions later'."

When asked how she would handle the diplomacy issues involved in launching a nuclear attack in a foreign country, she replied, "Diplomacy? Diplomacy? It's much too late for diplomacy. In the new Clinton Era, you either play ball or get crushed. Simple as that. I'll steamroll over any candy-ass who gets in my way. If you are against me, you're against the U.S. And if you're against the U.S., you're gonna swallow a big fat nuclear bomb, bitches!"

Mrs. Clinton then pulled out a baseball bat and swung it wildly at the podium, quickly reducing it to splinters before leaving the stage, her husband following meekly behind.

Al Qaeda in Iraq Leader Killed

A top member of al Qaeda in Iraq was killed Wednesday by Iraqi soldiers in Mosul.

Initially, the U.S. Marines took credit for the killing of the al Qaeda in Iraq leader, but later admitted that they just happened across his corpse.

"He had been stabbed, beaten, shot, and strangled to death. His lifeless body was then hung from a tree in a town square as a warning," said Lt. George Carpal. "Shit, all we need to do is let these Iraqis kill each other off. Then when all the violence ends, we can get down to the REAL mission...raping Iraq of its oil and other natural resources. And raping its women and donkeys."

He then drove off into the distance in his gold-plated Humvee, smoking a giant cigar and laughing heartily, running over a starving child lying in the street.

Mayor Declares Potholes Public Landmarks

San Jose Mayor Chuck Reed has declared that 34 of the city's pothole will be designated public landmarks.

The mayor stressed how important it was to maintain the city's heritage.

"These potholes have been with this city for as long as I can remember. It's important to preserve them for future generations to enjoy."

When asked if this was just a ploy to avoid the responsibility of repairing them he angrily remarked, "I'll bet you'd want to restore the Alamo too? Huh?!"

Sam Siminson said teary-eyed, "I swerve around this pothole every day! Sometimes I forget and spill steaming hot coffee all over my crotch..I don't know what I'd do if it was gone."

Pengiun Attacks on the Rise in Nation's Zoos, Harbors

A recent government report indicates that penguin attacks in the U.S. are increasing at a rapid pace. The report comes on the heels of a fatal attack at the Peoria Zoo in Peoria, IL.

A handler who was spraying the birds down with a chemical used to keep the penguins calm and docile, slipped and fell. He was unable to get up due to a sprained ankle, and an angry penguin battered the man to death with it flightless wings, whipping them back and forth in a brutal attack. Bystanders said the loud slapping sounds were disturbingly gruesome.

"All I saw was a blur of penguin wings, and blood spurting out of that poor man's head," sobbed Regina Wilkinson of Chicago. "You could smell salt water and blood in the air!"

Ron Pilfergert of Springfield, IL said, "The dull, rapid slaps of penguin wings against human flesh is a sound I don't ever want to hear again." His eyes then glazed over as he whispered, "The horror....THE HORROR!"

In the wake of the incident, Monterey Bay Aquarium handler/intern Joseph Birmbaum gave a chilling description of his penguin experiences.

"Oh they look cute and cuddly. But I can feel their eyes watching me as I enter the room..watching...always watching. God forbid you get what we call the Death Stare...then you know its about to attack and you need to get the hell out of there! They just lock on to you...then they slowly begin to waddle in your direction..finally they dart like a bullet at full force, sliding on their bellies, usually impaling you though the shin or big toe. Then when you're down, the real horror begins. They just stand there perfectly still, their fishy breath against your face. At that point the only thing you can do is pray for a quick death."

Some facilities are stepping up safety measures to ensure their workers' well-being while tending to the vicious birds.

"We've installed a large crane at the top of the penguins' pen to rescue victims. It was expensive, but it saves lives."

Ironically, three construction workers died during the construction of the crane.

"We haven't found the bodies yet.They fell into the penguin pit and just disappeared into a sea of black and white frenzy. No bones..no clothes..nothing."

"Horrible little devils they are!" said "Pegleg Paul, who works on the nearby docks. "They be known to bring down a ship and sink a crew in a matter of minutes! I thank the Lord above they can't fly. Then we'd REALLY be up shit creek."

"I've come up against sharks 50 feet in length..whales that almost swallowed me ship...but penguins...PENGUINS BE MY MORTAL ENEMY!! LOOK AT ME LEG!! JUST LOOK AT IT!!"

All handlers at the Peoria Zoo are now equipped with cattle prods and mace. There is even talk of chainmail. As an extra precaution, the vicious penguin "herd" is lured into a small room using a mannequin where they are gassed to sleep before feedings.

Bully Runs for Class President, Wins 100% of Votes

Billy Jenkins says he credits his win to hard work and perseverance, and says the "ruthless pummeling of fellow classmates and opponents during the election campaign was just an amazing coincidence."

"Yep, I won fair and square..and if anybody says different, I'd like to see 'em say it to my face! This school loves me for Christ's sake! They shower me with attention and money," he said as he pushed a 4th grader into a locker and laughed heartily.

"I've vowed to put a stop to bullies in the school!"

When told that he was pretty much the ONLY school bully, Jenkins said, "Exactly! And there won't be any more bullying as long as the students keep me as class president and pay my way to college. I'm no genius, but that seems like a win-win situation to me."


Jenkins also said that as class president he promises to put an end to wedgies, toilet head dunking, black eyes and gum in girls' hair.

"However, I still expect all your lunch money before 11am each day to help finance my reelection campaign," he said in his inaugural speech. "Thank you for voting for me, and have a wonderful day!"

The principal nervously agreed to uphold the boy's controversial win.

"That's one tough son-of-a-bitch right there. I wouldn't fuck with him, no sir."

In a related story, school "super geek" Elroy Snarf is expected to be released from the hospital in another 8 weeks.

Cheney Receives Extra Hearts As "Backups"

Vice-President Dick Cheney underwent surgery yesterday to replace the battery that powers the device that monitors his heart and produces a shock if an irregular heart rhythm is detected. As a precaution, surgeons also implanted two more of the devices, three pacemakers, and two baboon hearts.

Surgeon Phil Leggter said, "That's about the limit of what we could cram into Cheney's chest cavity. Now, with all these backup systems in place, Mr. Cheney shouldn't experience any heart failure ever again."

Cheney appeared in good health and high spirits as he addressed reporters after the procedure, although he seemed slightly dazed at one point.

"Ooh...wow, that feels weird," said Mr. Cheney. "Having all these damn heartbeats is going to take some getting used to. It's like there's a party in my chest and everyone's invited!"

Cheney then ran 20 laps around the hospital parking lot to demonstrate the success of the procedure.

NASA Investigates Claims of Alchohol Abuse

A NASA investigation has uncovered several incidents of heavy alcohol use by astronauts before and during shuttle launches. In fact, alcohol use is common in crew quarters.

"I'd like to see anyone else in my position-- with a gigantic, highly explosive rocket strapped to their ass-- NOT feel the need for a stiff drink or two...or six," remarked astronaut James Planderson. "If a malfunction occurs and our ship blows up, hell, I wanna go out enjoying a massive whiskey buzz!"

Fellow astronaut Susan Pylonic, taking deep swigs of an unidentified liquid from a silver flask agrees.

"Ol' Jimbo is tellin' it like it is," slurred the staggering astronaut. "I'm slated to go up in two days. Am I nervous? Hell, yes! Does the happy juice kill the pain? You bet," she continued, cradling her flask like an infant as a tear streamed down her reddened cheek.

NASA doesn't consider the recent incidents alarming.

"Hell, John Glenn did 13 shots of tequila while he was orbiting the Earth," says NASA flight analyst Steven "Goober" Larcher. "Flight control dared him to do one more, but the poor bastard finally lost it and puked his guts out! It took us weeks to clean out the capsule!"

NASA scientists are currently developing a special vacuum-packed Jell-o shot, dozens of which will be available in each astronauts meal rations on all future shuttle flights.

Mustache Epidemic Reaching Epic Proportions in India

Mubia, India-- Ask any 12-year-old what he or she wants for their birthday this year. You might be surprised to learn he doesn't want the latest game system or fancy new gadget. He wants a mustache.

Children are undergoing dangerous cosmetic surgery in order to sport thick handle bar mustaches like their Bollywood film hero Rajini, while some are gluing various types of hair or fur to their upper lip using epoxy or Super Glue.

"It is very disturbing to see your nine-year-old daughter come home with an upper lip full of hair! I tried to tell her that women do not have facial hair, but I'm afraid she is unreachable," remarked one concerned parent.

Bollywood phenomenon Rajini

Entire shops have opened up on the streets of Mubia selling fake mustaches and huge sunglasses.

"Prices vary depending on what you are looking for. The cheapest we have is grease paint for 25 cents..all the way up to surgery, which we can perform in shop within a few hours. I think the children look quite handsome. I don't understand all the uproar," said store owner Raj Smith.

We asked American visitor Max Griffin what he thought.

"What the hell was going on here? Is there some kind of Groucho Marx festival going on? It's all a bit disturbing. Some of these kids look like mini 70's-style Burt Reynolds," remarked Griffin.

Eight-year-old Felix Skitit said he got his mustache late Wednesday night. "Yeah, it is sooo cool. it itches a bit, but I have the biggest one in the class! My parents are so angry, but mine is not permanent like most of my friends. The glue will wear off before my 12th birthday"

Ice Cream Stick Ship Sets Sail

A ship constructed of 5 million ice cream sticks glued together by more than 5000 schoolchildren over the course of two years set sail this past Tuesday. The ship drifted into the shark-infested harbor with 35 brave children aboard before slowly disintegrating and stranding the pint-sized sailors for several hours. At least one child was devoured by a Great White shark when he panicked and attempted to dog-paddle back to shore.

"I knew we should of used something other than Elmer's glue", griped Freddy "Fatty" Turnbuckle. "But these idiots wouldn't listen to me! I told them the Elmer's glue would come apart as soon as it touched the water! But did they listen? NOOOOO! Two years of my childhood wasted!

The children had originally planned to sail to England and back but instead sailed a whopping 500 feet into the harbor before tragedy struck.

Radcliffe Turns 18, Gains Access To Millions, Goes Apeshit Crazy

Daniel Radcliffe, star of the popular "Harry Potter" movies, gains access to millions as he turns 18 years old.

The young star recently spent 19 million dollars on one bottle of rare wine, and has only $1 million left.

Radcliffe says he will spend the other million on getting laid.

"After that, who knows??? I'll go wherever the wind blows me," slurred a visibly drunk and disoriented Radcliffe.

"As long as that chick keeps writing these Potter books, I'll be rollin' in dough. I don't have much to worry about for at least two years."

"For the longest time my parents wouldn't let me touch the money...not even for an Xbox 360 or Nintendo wii..so you know I did as soon as I got my hands on the money? YEAH, BOUGHT NEW PARENTS! Jan and Dean, my new mom and dad, are great. They let me do whatever the hell I want!"

Radcliffe then stumbled off into a crowd of party goers with what appeared to be a Playboy bunny clinging to each arm.

Pet Rattlesnake Saves Toddler

West Cayville, PA-- A toddler was saved from a wild pack of chihuahuas today by the heroic efforts of a pet rattlesnake.

The rabid chihuahuas surrounded the child and were readying their attack when the family's pet rattlesnake "Mr. Fangs" sprang into action.

It then wrapped itself around the child to comfort it, using its rattle to entertain the toddler until help arrived.

"We normally don't leave Baby Dinkums unattended in the swimming pool for more than five or 10 minutes. I went inside to grab a bite to eat. When I came back I found Mr. Fangs cuddling Baby Dinkums surround by six dead wild chihuahuas," said the child's father.

Neighbors say this particular pack of chihuahuas has been terrorizing the neighborhood for months now, scaring neighborhood children and defecating on nicely manicured lawns.

"Spike, our 12 month old pit bull has been terrified to go outside since a September attack left him earless and blind in one eye," commented one neighborhood resident.

Area residents are advised to remain indoors until the remainder of the ravenous Chihuahua pack can be rounded up and burned.

Man Makes Thousands Selling Rare Items to Friend Who Has Yet to Discover eBay

Pullman, Arkansas

"It's been great so far! I've even been able to quit my job and build an edition on to the house!" said Steve Planters former automobile salesman turned entrepreneur.

"I figure, what he doesn't know won't hurt him. I'm providing a valuable service..think of me as the middle man..the broker if you will. I'm bleeding that idiot dry!"


Planters says the process is incredibly simple and that anybody can get started making thousands using only a computer and gullible friend. “Bob came to me last week wanting this "rare" Fisher Price projector he had as a child. I said, well how much are you willing to pay for it? I might have some connections you know?"

Bob said, "Oh as much as two or three grand. Five minutes later I had one on its way from an eBay seller for two dollars. Two days later I bought my wife a new diamond ring!”


“As far as Bob Bunkiss knows, I'm what you call a scrounger, a guy who can get things, a guy who has lots of connections. The only thing I couldn't help him find was a computer so he can get on the internet. I seem to come up short every time!” chuckles Planters.


Bob Bunkiss, a former hobo and handyman, sued NASA in 1995 for millions of dollars claiming they stole his plans for a new kind of baked beans in a pouch, was unable to be reached for comment.

David Beckham's USA Debut

Contrary to the opinions of critics who say that David Beckham is past his prime, Beckham lived up to all the hype surrounding his move to the USA's Los Angeles Galaxy by scoring 27 times in five minutes during the team's exhibition match on Saturday.

His stellar performance immediately led to questions as to whether the soccer star is relying on performance-enhancing drugs to boost his performance during the last years of his career.

Beckham, who is totally bald, benches 350 pounds, and whose shoe size has increased from 11 to 14 says, "This talk of steroid use is completely and utterly unfounded. It's also very insulting. I train hard, like two or three times a week..something like that..I WISH YOU GUYS WOULD JUST GET OFF MY BACK!!!"

He then excused himself and ducked into a bathroom in order to "inject himself in the arse with sweet, sweet 'vitamin' goodness," slapping a reporter across the room along the way.

Beckham's trainer attributes his large size and violent mood swings to the amount of protein he is ingesting. "He eats like four to five live chickens a day, plus three to four protein shakes. Let's just say when he goes into the bathroom we know he's gonna squeeze out a clogger!"

Galaxy president Alexi Lalas said, "These allegations are ridiculous. Sure, he's transformed himself into a raging, hideous, hulking musclebound mass that now frightens small children instead of inspiring them to greatness. But David trains hard, and absolutely does NOT use any performance-enhancing chemicals."

Lalas then excused himself and ducked into the bathroom to see if "David needs any help injecting those 'vitamins' into his ass."

President Bush to Undergo Colonoscopy

President Bush will undergo a colonoscopy tomorrow, during which power will be transferred to Vice-President Dick Cheney.

"If there's anyone I can trust with maintaining the war on terror while I'm being reamed out, it's ol' Dicky-Boy. Hell, he shot a guy in the face once! Remember that? That was cool", Mr. Bush said.

This is the President's fourth colonoscopy, a procedure he describes as "a real pain in the ass".

"The whole situation just stinks," says President Bush.

Former Chief-of-Staff Colin Powell had his colon prowled by the same proctologist, known lovingly as "Dr. StinkFinger" in White House circles.

"I don't know why they have to go so deep...it feels like a dog digging up a garden, woooo wheeee, it smarted! I done told the doc, 'There ain't no WMD's up there son...what's taking so long?" chuckled Mr. Bush.

Mr. Bush, however, says he has a very supportive family and staff, particularly the Vice-President.

"Dick has been very supportive through this hole ordeal. He's hard sometimes, but he helps me push through the hard times", Mr. Bush explained.

The entire procedure will be broadcast on C-Span next week.

New Canadian Study Reveals Everything Causes Cancer

A new study that is a culmination of every cancer study ever done shows that pretty much everything we do, drink or eat causes cancer.

"And you can try whatever you want...antioxidants, massive doses of Vitamin E, increased exercise. But basically, you're still fucked. In fact, exercise increases your risk three-fold", said John Wilkinhiemersmith as he lit up five cigarettes.

"Like to jog? Lift weights? Well, good luck with that, asshole! You'll just leave a better-looking corpse to bury, that's all."

Scientists recommend curling up into the fetal position and waiting for Death to take you home, since there's not a goddamn thing you can do to avoid an untimely passing.

News Time USA polled our readers and was shocked to find that the majority of people didn't find this to be much of a surprise.

Ruth Durkins says "well every freakin' week we watch that nightly show with Brian Brokaw and he says dont eat bacon..then he says bacon is good for you! Eat eggs, don't eat eggs! I'm just sick and tired of the whole thing! So I figure, fuck it! I'll eat whatever I damn well please, thank you very much!"

Dr. Wilkinhiemershith said about the only thing that could prevent dying from cancer would be to die from something else, like perhaps getting run over by a train or horse and cart.

"So go out, have some drinks, some smokes, unprotected gay sex...hell, snort some baby powder or detergent, whatever floats your boat! It doesn't matter. Even water will kill you. So live it up, America! You might as well have a great time before that bowl of Special K causes an inoperable brain tumor."

Windows Vista Woes

Redmond, WA.-- Microsoft announced Monday that it was releasing yet another version of Microsoft Windows Vista, titled 'Microsoft Vista Cafe Loco Edition' in order to further confuse consumers.

Steve Ballmer said of the release: "We truly feel now is the time for Cafe Loco. If we give the consumers enough choices, eventually one of them will install Vista."

“Currently Microsoft has 13 or...maybe 14 different flavors of Vista for consumers to choose from. We think consumers should collect them all! They come in these really cool DVD cases with a curved corner and collectible holograms!"

So far Americans have slow to adopt the new operating system, and the French even slower.

PePe LeFronshe said: "I install zis Vista and it slowed my computer down so bad! All I want to do is play new Halo! It really fuck-ed my computer so bad. Wine and cheese."

Rebuilding Iraq

"If there is one word I would use to sum up the atmosphere in Iraq - on the streets, in the countryside, in the neighborhoods and at the national level - that word would be 'fuck damn shit'", Ryan Crocker, the top U.S. diplomat, told the Senate Foreign Relations Committee.

"Well, not those words per se, but whatever comparable word our Arabic-speaking friends in Iraq use to sum up or comment on what we Americans might call 'a complete cluster fuck'".

"And let me tell you-- the Iraqis are not using these expletives lightly. When you walk out of your home in the morning, and come home in the evening to a pile of rubble, well, 'fuck damn shit' can barely express the frustration our turbaned friends must feel."

News Time USA asked an Iraqi cab driver if he felt the American presence in Iraq was helping or hurting the situation, to which he replied: "What? Get the shit damn out of my cab, cornhole, I got better things to do! That's the dumbest question I have ever heard! Of COURSE it's hurting the situations..land mines hurt! OK? Now pay up or beat it..I got work to do!"

We also talked to local Iraqi Richard Smith about last night's bombing in which he lost his home and all his possessions.

"Crap shit! Not again! I can't tell you how sick of this crap I am. What am I, the three little pigs? You guys gonna blow my freakin' house down AGAIN? Jesus..you guys are bustin' my balls! YOUR BUSTIN' MY BALLS! OK?"

Easy-Bake Oven Recall

In February, Easy Bake's parent company, Hasbro Inc., recalled 985,000 of the toys because children were getting their hands and fingers trapped in the front opening, and some were burned. At that time, Hasbro offered a free repair kit to improve the oven's safety.

Hasbro should just send out a memo saying "Hey, not our fault your kids are stupid morons!"

"These are the same kids who grab a burning log when they go camping! What are you going to do? Recall fire?"

Hasbro suggested to parents that they buy those kids a toy that is more their speed, like Hasbro's new 'Rock'.

"Basically, its a rock..it doesn't do much more than just sit there. Parents, however, have complained that children are bashing each other over the head with the new toys and have asked Hasbro to recall the new toy as well."

Some have even bashed in their OWN heads in a remarkable act of pure stupidity.

Hasbro responded with "Jesus Christ on a cracker!"

One child even managed to swallow "Rock", which is remarkable considering it's about 10 inches in diameter

"Basically our safety team has given up all hope of making so-called safe toys. Kids are just getting stupider instead of smarter."

Hasbro said in a statement that they are canceling their "Easy Bake Oven for Morons".

"I just don't think we can make this thing any more fool proof. I mean, it uses a fucking lightbulb to cook with! You'd have to keep your hand in there for an hour to get burned! And then we get some stupid kid wearing it on his head like a hat and the dumbass burns off all his hair! Then they sue us!"

"I mean...what the fuck? Where are the PARENTS when this stuff is going on? Were they this stupid at 6 years old? I don't remember all this stupidity in the 60's and 70's. Kids must literally be getting stupider by the minute!"

"Shit, back in the 70's we released 'Little Tommy Nail Gun'. We didn't get any complaints! Now we make 'Sandy Soft Sponge' and some kid in Arkansas chokes on her. CHOKES ON A 4 FOOT SPONGE!"

"Jesus...back in the 70's, kids knew not to point gun toys at each other! Nowadays, they're putting them to their heads and pulling the trigger 'just to see what happens'. Now we have to make guns all these stupid colors like lime green and pink because some dumb shit runs into 7-11 with a toy rifle and tries to steal all their Ho Ho's!"

"So HASBRO has to suffer? We can't make realistic guns anymore! Where's the justice? Huh? A kid gets blown away by a double-barreled shotgun....and for what? A delicious chocolate pastry treat. Pathetic."